Things of Importance Right Now

iTunes

Right now, the first Watchmen chapter is free to download until August 2. Not sure how the movie is going to pan out - I have my doubts about Zak Penn. Even though the graphic novel roolz, look what Brett Ratner did with X3.

Doug, Clarissa and Aaahhh Real Monsters are a few of the beloved childhood Nick shows up now on iTunes. Childhood is smacking me in the face right now, and I don't hate it. Pretty excited about seeing Rugrats and Hey Dude up also. Driving the other day, I thought of Chuckie Finster and how much I can relate to him. Alas, only a few episodes of each show are up, but at least the Doug episodes with the Beets are up.

Joose 

Just got the best e-mail about a Joose competition. Joose is looking for people to write a song or create a commercial that doesn't promote underage drinking, drinking and driving or any other "lewd acts," but it must "promote the responsible consumption of Joose." Winners receive Joose merch and a sponsorship deal. Now, Steph, Edscott and I have been working on this all year - for free. We acted as Joose marketers on our good will, but now we have the possibility of payment in the form of Joose merch. Wow. I'm one step closer to my temporary dream of becoming a jingle writer.

This is What It's Like When Steve Guttenberg and Robots Collide

Thanks to my short commute, I don't get to listen to the radio as much anymore. Today, WNYC was about to do a report on robots with emotion, but I already arrived to work so I didn't hear it. My ears perked after hearing the phrase "robots with emotion" because I'm pretty sure that I know a few robots. But ones with emotion, I'm not sure.

Here's the story. The gist is that a guy with a soul patch created Heart Robot, which reacts emotionally depending on how others act towards him. Unfortunately, the exhibit in London (so farrrrrr) attracts lots of bullies that make it clench its fists and heart race. Stupid kids. People say he's a cross between Gollum and ET. I beg to differ - I say a lamb and cuter version of Furby.

More great news came in the form of Steve Guttenberg. The Observer decided to revisit the Goot with an interview sequel. Not as good as the previous, but the Goot is as krah-zee as ever. Actually, turns out he may have smudged a few details in his previous interview. My favorite line: 

"In our first interview, Mr. Guttenberg had said he’d dated 600 women. (The day the article appeared, he received an e-mail from a woman that read, “Let’s make it 601. Call me for a drink.”) Now he thinks it’s more like 300." Parents, lock your daughters up. The Goot's loose.

Raising the Roof

If Richard Simmons were in my life, everyday would be a party. He'd be my alarm clock. He'd awake me at 6:30 and we'd jazzercise together- maybe go out for a jog. Who needs an iPod when Richard Simmons could sing the oldies to you instead?

For my birthday, can someone please rent him out for at least 5 minutes? I want to bask in his super posi-ness.

Burn After Reading looks so good. Brad Pitt, probably the first time I will ever say this, looks really impressive. Casting him as a meathead and pairing him with John Malkovich may just be one of the best Coen moves ever. At this point, the Coen Brothers can do no wrong.

Larry David!

I combined my two favorite things in the above photo - Jewish cats and Larry David.

Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 6 came in the mail this weekend. I was lucky enough to have a hangover keep me in the house on Sunday - keep me in the house to watch Larry David. He could definitely belong in our group of friends. I'd like to see him with some Joose. 

First episode of the season, "Meet the Blacks," Larry and Cheryl adopt a family that lost their home in the hurricane. The Blacks are black. Of course, the first thing Larry says is, "So your last name is Black...That's like if my last name was Jew - Larry Jew."

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People I Never Want to Befriend

Reasons why women are horrible:

Brides are making their bridesmaids get Botox.

Women give you more reason to hate your body. Right now, you should be hating your arm pits.

I hope to never be friends with these kind of women.

Lifetime, Wow!

Best new website find this week. This beats Chuck's ideas.

Why haven't I thought of grading Lifetime movies earlier?

2-in-1 Shampoo + Conditioner

Failure. I'm a big proponent of failure. Failing comes naturally to me. I was only about a month into my new job, trying to impress my fellow lab rats, and I look down at my shoes. One pair brown with laces. The other - a very different shade of brown, and no laces. I am sure people have noticed. I decide to nervously tell a co-worker, a God, a Promethean man - whose inhuman, perfectionist qualities I have yet to discover. I jest that some of the best and brightest minds of the 20th century displayed the very same haphazard fashion sensibilities. Jesus Christ! Richard Feynman walked around backwards! Einstein wore dresses! Neils Bohr was a dick! My lies only illustrate my shallow self-conscience.

Today is not much different. My lab smock is covered in dried up adhesives, potting materials and iron filings. I can't remember the last time I brushed my hair. It sits on my head like a dog turd on a garbage pail lid. I have poppy seeds - fallen from their bagel fortresses - covering a dusty desk. I have become Denis Nedry, and I don't even get to work with Samuel L. Jackson, let alone steal dinosaur DNA from classified rooms.

I realize I am only in competition with myself, but it's really tough for a greasy-haired mouth-breather who had to use 2-in-1 shampoo + conditioner this morning.

The Comb-Over Mullet

I've been really into the word "mull" lately. While g-chatting today, I told someone to mull over something. Then we started making up words with "mull" until we came to the mull et plan. It's basically a 401k that offers free NASCAR tickets. Of course, there's fine print but there's free NASCAR tickets so fuck everything else! Also, a major stipulation is that you must have a mullet in order to redeem this. As we age, sometimes nature takes over our scalp - ravages up our remaining hair. For those who are fortunate enough to salvage a few locks, sometimes they decide to mullet it out. Despite hair loss on top, the back still has a party going on.

I then remembered that my uncle has a comb-over mullet. Every Christmas, he'd give us chocolate instead of an actual gift. I was disappointed at the time because Barbies at the time were so much better. Anyway, he's had a combover mullet as long as I can remember. So when trying to explain the comb-over mullet, I was asked to draw it. Above is my rendition next to a photo of a guy who looks sort of like my uncle but this guy is way more into NASCAR than my uncle will ever be.

Oh man, I forgot how hard it is to keep a steady hand in MS Paint.

The Hair Plugs Edition

I just finished watching 1408 with John Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson. In other words, I wasted 100-something minutes on a Stephen King story-cum-movie surprisingly incorporating King's well-known alcohol problem. This movie didn't make me think deep thoughts, no, but in fact it got me to thinking about hair. You see, Cusack's hair in this movie is incredibly distracting. He dyed it some diarrhea-like color and had way too much mousse. It's just a recent thing where an actors' hair can either make or break the movie for me. Well, not necessarily the case with all but definitely with Baby Mama and Made of Honor. The best part of Baby Mama? Greg Kinnear's hair. Made of Honor? Patrick Dempsey's hair. A few weeks later, I begrudgingly sat through Next, starring Nicolas Cage and his hair plugs. The non-sensical plot didn't bother me as much as his hair.

In honor of hair, actually more in celebration of bad hair, here are some major hair changes that may have flown under the radar:

To our left is Cusack in 1408 - kinda bloated and bad hair. To our right is Cusack in High Fidelity - way hotter, less mousse-y and just so much cooler. The secret of "cool" must lie in the lack of mousse and a bad dye job.

Look, it's Cusack's former bff4eae, Jeremy Piven! Piven's transformation was more than obvious for those who knew him before Entourage (on the left). While on Ellen (to the right), he was almost as bald as the "bald asshole" Larry David. Now, Piven is just a hair-plugged asshole.

To to the left is the time traveling Nicolas Cage from Next. Unfortunately, he couldn't travel back in time to get the same head of hair he had in Valley Girl (to the right) nor could he add an "h" to Nicolas thus become less douche-y. 

John Travolta was a dinosaur circa 1998, when Civil Action came out. He decided to go for the most drastic hair makeover of the group. Yes, he now has more hair than all of these guys combined, but he also uses a lot more hairspray. Along with Bon Jovi pre-1995, he's now the current cause of ozone depletion.

The Mummy scared must have his hair back to his head. It's from The Huffington Post, but what a great "Before" shot.

Boys, let's learn to say no to hair plugs and yes to baldness?

Spell Check Screwing Over Models One Comp Card at a Time

I work at a magazine targeted towards women over 40. We often don't get models requesting to be the cover or in the magazine, but today we received a letter from Allison. Allison is 20 - clearly not the magazine's demographic. She did include a lovely note along with her postcard citing her measurements. Some of these measurements sound a little suspect like a 32C bust. Surgically enhanced perhaps or just naturally that small/big? My boss even doubts some of these measurements. 

Needless to say, our magazine won't be using her. But if you do run a catalog, and your in need of models, you can always contact Allison.

Oh, the wonders of spell check!

"We have all had teachers that couldn't inspire a bowel movement."

The Internets was alive with newz today!

First the AV Club interview with Tracy Morgan. I spent most of today trying to figure out whether Tracy Morgan is actually an idiot or idiot savant. Nathan Rabin tries to interview Tracy Morgan, but he legitimately only gets useless fodder from him. Reread the interview, though. You'll discover there's actually gold in some of his answers.

For example: 

AVC: Did you do a lot of research into anal prolapses for the role? (FYI anal prolapses occur when your poop hole falls out)

TM: No, dude! No, my asshole's never really popped out. [Laughs.] It's a character, dude.

Where do you go after that question as an interviewer? AV Club decides to ask him about the director. Unfortunately, I don't know if the interview was cut or that was legitimately his follow-up question. Maybe this was just followed with silence or laughter. 

Tracy Morgan also loves repeating himself. Maybe it's the lack of knowing what to say or him pondering his next genius move.

AVC: What was Tina Fey's response?
TM: She loved it. Tina Fey's my sister. She loved it. She thought it was brilliant.
AVC: One of the running jokes on 30 Rock is Tracy Jordan's films. If you could star in any of Tracy Jordan's films, which would it be?
TM: Who Dat Ninja. 'Cause he's an action figure. He's action!

See! He repeats himself over his love of Tina Fey then bam! Genius answer to the next question. You see, it's not enough to be an action figure, when you can be ACTION, how can you say no! 

Tracy has great lines in 30 Rock. In fact, it's hard to tell when he's Tracy Jordan (his character) or Tracy Morgan. I'm pretty sure he's not acting. Here's proof:

AVC: Tracy Jordan has some of the most quotable dialogue in television history. Is there a specific Tracy Jordan line you're particularly fond of?
TM: Yes. "I wanna take it out behind that middle school and get it pregnant."
AVC: Why do you think that line has taken off the way it has?
TM: Because I love the word "pregnant." The word "pregnant" is funny.

Rest my case. Tracy Morgan is so good at comedy that he's fooling us with this interview into thinking he actually has nothing great to say when in fact he is full of comic gold.

I also want to talk about Dark Knight but some of us haven't seen it. So I'm just going to direct you to this review on Radar by Choire, a former Gawker editor. It explains everything I felt and wanted to say. Thanks.

Finally, I present you Ideas By Chuck. This is the greatest idea for a site and I'm kind of upset that I didn't think of it earlier. Chuck has these ideas, puts them down then asks if anyone uses them, to grant him royalties. Check out his magical binder, drink or cane (which we actually need to really do) and school solution. Chuck actually sounds like someone we'd be friends with - maybe we already are?

I see your Busey, and I raise you a Gary

I want to buy whatever he is selling. Between these clips of his entrepreneurial truth-dom, and his ever-vigilant quest to get us on the ocean of life with our souls as the sail of the invisibly-anchored honesty that we float upon the ocean of kindness, I can't stop laughing. He is way more inspiring than that Patton Oswalt graduation speech.

OMGGGG OMGGGGG DARK KNIGHT LOLZ!

Today I am frightened of Gary Busey ripping my endocrine system out of my body.

But more exciting things lie ahead. A midnight showing of Dark Knight to be more precise. It's horrible that people are saying high Dark Knight sales are due to Heath Ledger's death. I can't speak for the general, normie public - after all my sister did call me "weird" - but I'm seeing it just because it is The Dark Knight. Because I love Batman. Because I have a huge crush on Aaron Eckhart. 

Slashfilm says this movie has the third highest advanced ticket sales - behind Episode III and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. In NYC, people are selling IMAX tickets for $89. No IMAX for me but I should get the coffee ready for this 2+ hour movie.

The Antediluvean World

So I get a lot of flack for believing in a lot of different things. Crazy things, silly things. Things no scientist would admit to believing. Maybe they aren't all beliefs, but moreso interests. Interests that guide my imagination and hope for life. I could never detail every single one of these in a single post, but let me discuss one that has been on my mind a lot lately.

I begin with my belief (interest) in Atlantis, or maybe it's more the belief in lost pre-historic knowledge than it is lost pre-historic land. I believe that maybe there were inhabitants of this earth that were far superior to the common image of cavemen, fur underoos, and Ringo Starr that most people conjure up when reviewing the past. I think that maybe these inhabitants maintained and possessed untold knowledge. Perhaps so much of the (Classical, Egyptian, Mayan, etc.) knowledge that has been irrefutably lost and regained throughout our thousands of years of existence still fails to compare to the cumulated knowledge of our pre-historic ancestors. I believe, and have believed for some time, that the stories and myths describing the gifts man-kind has received from our lordly masters are more than just allegory describing the dangers of unabashed power unbridled. Why do so many cultures tell of the gift of fire or the gift of knowledge? Are these stories just muddled versions of pre-historic truths? Or are they extreme versions of the exaggerated stories our forebears tell us? I hope to study more about the origin of man this summer, in a partly fictional way, but with some possible hints of truth.

Atlantis, Mu, Lumeria. These are all mythical places that represent lost civilizations, and the lost wisdom from these civilizations is part of what makes me strive for better in my everyday life.

Big Gai Al!

It must feel weird being known as Star Jones's ex-husband. Obviously, this guy has done or will do nothing more significant than marrying my favorite lawyer-cum-gag-reflex-inducing-talk-show-host. Little known fact: I applied to be Star Jones's  personal assistant.

The Reynolds-Jones union was doomed from the start because as we all know, Al is gay. Big Gay Al, very clever, married Star for her money and dashed right after she lost two shows and became a general nuisance. Al was then seen around gay watering holes and other events, according to "unnamed" and obviously legit sources. 

I forgot why they divorced. It doesn't matter. It's over something stupid like them growing apart. Or it could be the fact that Al's gay, but I doubt that. This video actually disproves his homosexuality. I'm so glad he set up his own YouTube channel yesterday to dispel those raging gay rumors. Attention Us Weekly, National Enquirer and Star! You've been wrong all along - Al's not gay!

Al also didn't know that Star whored out their wedding by asking corporations to sponsor her wedding. If he had known, he would've never gone through with it! That would've been a great excuse to call it off instead of actually coming out of the closet.

Many also wonder why Al fell in love with the Payless Shoe spokesperson. The answer is easy, he fell in love with her mind. Gay guys love women's minds, especially on shopping trips when they need an outfit for that night. 

[Youtube]

More on the Goot

I reread the Observer interview below. Guttenberg's gotta be on something. He's either so into himself that he's living oblivion or he's on Joose. I'm conflicted. Goot's obviously a d-bag, with his "textbook-casual Hollywood look." Tight white v-neck tee, pre-torn jeans and Aviators = total bro. Another part of me feels incredibly sad for him. He's writing a movie about his first ten years in Hollywood called "Diary of a Seducer." He has dated over 600 women - a clearly inflated number- and no "Mrs. Right." He picked up a blonde Cornell grad while jogging in the park. That description alone makes me gag. He refers to his body as a violin. It's too much. My remorse is quickly diminishing the more I write about him. 

I love the writer's snark, but it's way too easy to hate on the Goot after reading this. It's almost as if he went checked his iPhone after the interview, hoping to hear that he was cast in Zeus and Roxanne 2 or that they want him to play Jessica Simpson's dad in another movie. On that Jessica Simpson note, the way Goot carries himself and looks - bronzed and Botoxed like George Hamilton - is he even a good casting choice as a dad? 

Secretly, if Steve Guttenberg hit on me, I'd probably allow it and I may give him my "digits" so that I can invite him to Joose in N.B.

The Goot Needs Some Joose!

http://www.observer.com/2008/arts-culture/look-out-new-york-ladies-goot-loose?page=0%2C0&ZZRDB162%2C4254%2C21=1

I'll touch base upon this article later. All you need to know is that the Goot is on the Loose. We need to buy him some Joose then maybe he can be on the loose in N.B. Oh, and I'm pretty sure he can have any woman he wants there because he was, after all, in such greats like Police Academy 1, Police Academy 2 and the Police Academy goes to Moscow.

Some choice quotes:

“I indulge in wine, and I love vodka, I do,” he said. “And I love scotch, you know. And I love weed. And I love women. And I do have, you know, those … Addiction is such an overused word. Addiction is just someone famous walking around the street. "

He estimated that he’s dated some 600 women, but still hasn’t found Mrs. Right.

“It’s not a gay festival,” he said. “I guess you know Fire Island’s pretty gay. Hey! I gotta tell you something—a good gay rumor about me might not be a bad thing to start. You know, a lot of heavyweight actors are gay. And they do very well.”

People on Craigslist need to become better spellers and improve their grammar.

Here's an example of a guy from the Rockaway Mall:

saw you in the corner store working - m4w - 35 (rockaway mall)

Reply to: pers-753099507@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-13, 9:58AM EDT


I SAW YU IN THE STORE BYE MCDONALDS BLACK HAIR BLACK DRESS YOU ARE BEUTIFUL WOULD LOVE TO MEET YOU

I'm still trying to figure out what's more shocking with this missed connection: the use of "bye" or not going through with adding the "o" to "you." He could've done himself a favor and gone with the "u." He would've received credit there.

He's in immediate need of attending a grammar rodeo. In fact, I have a hat for him to wear to the grammar rodeo.

Ben Stein talks about the economics of love:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/13/business/13every.html?_r=1&oref=slogin


I don't know how to feel about this. More cheesy or more clever? Or both?

Update: Cheese. It's cheese.

Landlords, Landladies, & the Freaks of America

So this morning I drove about 45 minutes to look at an apartment and when I arrived, the landlady informed me that the apartment had been taken. I guess she forgot that telephones exist? But no worries, because she has another two-bedroom available. Of course it is a shared space and the original tenant has no plans of sharing the kitchen, but I and my future roommate look like fellas who don't enjoy the culinary arts. She literally asked us, "Do you like to cook?" Regardless of my feelings about cooking, I have to do it to survive. Maybe I can just learn witchcraft, but there was also a no-cauldron clause in the rental agreement. No thanks, (land)lady! Maybe I've been spoiled by the privileges of being able to use a sink and a refrigerator, but I'm not about to start living an ascetic lifestyle just yet, unless copious amounts of women or spiritual enlightenment are available at the end of such a journey.

I have found so far in my life that most landlords are insane, or just stupid, but I started rethinking that this morning. I think that maybe the stressful situation of being a landlord exacerbates one's insanity. When I first moved to Maryland I was renting a room in a small house, with a guy who was extremely strange (but let me use his kitchen, at least). He was a day-trader, and a successful one at that, what with living in a house his parents had paid off almost thirty years ago, and renting two rooms to ne'er-do-wells and retired navy men. He was very religious, really into exercise, but also drank like a fish. I was only there for about three months, but the other bedroom was occupied by as many tenants. I'm sure the stress of his hectic renting situation influenced his hectic life, moreso than any mental instability may have. I think, if nothing else, I will try to give these land-owners the benefit of the doubt. I mean, it's not like the Magna Carta is making it any easier for them.

Hilary Swank is totes having a devil baby

Due to the fact that I didn't want to climb a few stairs to take a nap in my room, I watched t.v. with my parents. Not only did I watch "Greatest American Dog," but I also watched this incredibly amateurish horror film starring Hilary Swank as a miracle disproving professor. The Reaping centers around a town, "cleverly" named "Haven," that starts experiencing the biblical plague. Like all "horror" movies before this, a little girl is the center of this "evil." I'm boring myself just typing this. All you need to know if you do decide to watch this movie is that the director has no concept of sound. It's impossible to hear the dialogue without blasting your eardrums thanks to the spooky and ominous music. No way, I would've never guessed a frog was about to jump on Hilary Swank! Thanks creepy, ominous music! I'm almost thankful that the background music masks the dialogue. I only wish that George Michael would've provided the soundtrack. I needed something to wake me up so I could go, go up to my room.

While we were watching this cinema verite, my mom said she was confused as to what was happening. Honestly, I was, too. I don't remember many things my mom has said over the years - I tend to block them out. But in 1996, my parents rented "Mission Impossible." I was fortunate enough, not 13 yet, to watch the movie with them. Tom Cruise's spy ways left me a little confused, and when I asked my mom what was going on in the movie, she said, "You're not old enough to understand. That's why you're confused." I haven't seen the movie since then, so I'm not sure whether I'd be confused. So when my mom said "The Reaping" was confusing, I told her the "Mission Impossible" story. My mom's response: "Of all the things you remember, you remember this." I forget a lot of things, especially recently, but for some reason, be it Tom Cruise or Ving Rhames, I will never forget that line. 

I should make my mom watch some David Lynch films, then when she says she's confused, I should tell her that she's not old enough to understand. Gotta be 60+ to understand Lynch, duh.

Kevin Costner is Under Pressure

Swing Vote? Really?



So Kevin Costner holds the singular swing vote for the future president of the United States. I couldn't think of a better casting choice to represent the absolute average of Americana. Maybe if we were living on pontoons in the ocean I would allow him to be the decider of this high office, but he'd be so smarmy with all the I-told-you-so's while sitting in his ivory innertube. Do these so-called politically-minded actors really think their movies are helping people? "Oh, I watched The Post Man last week, so now I know in the future I won't be a dick." Thanks Kevin Costner.

Things that are overrated - Go!

For some reason, I've been thinking a lot about overrated things this week. Right now, this is a starting list. Only more items will be added.

1. Angelina Jolie 

2. Flight of the Conchords

3. Rush Limbaugh (who just signed a $400 million!?!? contract to be a douche)

4. Nicolas Cage (He refuses to put an "h" in his name and his the plugs/wig/dog on his head is way too distracting in "Next")

He's Not As Good As George Lopez

I watched about ten minutes of The George Lopez Show tonight. I really can't wait until I reach the age where I can watch a show like that without irony. But, really, there were some jokes that got me! There was a plantains/dick joke. There were multiple sex jokes. There was a scene with George Lopez laying on the couch resting potato chips on his shirt! These are the kinds of high-consciousness jokes that go on in that show. It's basically the Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead of the sitcom. However, I have discovered that I am not old enough yet to deny that this last statement is full of hyperbole.

Drank Ain't No Thang

I'm wearing suspenders today and this picture encapsulates how I feel about them. I reckon I need some watermelon to shoot some seeds. Some bubbles, too.

Currently waiting for work, but here's a David Berman interview and a review on Drank - Joose's competition. Let's not kid ourselves, though. Nothing beats Joose. For $2, you're set for an hour, at least. With Drank, $16 will get you to Napville. Kanye needs to write a song about Joose or maybe A Tribe Called Quest can reunite for this song.

Or maybe the Unsolved Mysteries trio?

Hand o' cock?

I just ate grapes. They were great. Fresh fruit is great.

I can't wait for Dollywood. Why can't it be August 22nd already?

Oh, and Hancock comes out tomorrow. I don't care about the movie (with the exception of Jason Bateman), but someone decided to write "Handcock" on our theater marquee. I will try to get a cell phone snapshot later. I'm guessing a disgruntled (probably teenage) theater employee wrote it. No angry parents better complain about the typo before I take a picture. Then again, I forget that people are bad with spelling and grammar. So maybe they'll think that Will Smith is the Hand of Cock?