The rule of three?

I really wanted to write about this new Special Olympics-boycotting-Ben-Stiller's-Tropic-Thunder hoopla, but Amelie on AVClub beat me to it. I didn't see her article until I started writing about Ben Stiller. Sometimes, I think Amelie and I the same person.

Then I wanted to address the rule of three (three deaths that is). First Bernie Mac (death by pneumonia) then Isaac Hayes (death by Xenu). Now scientists are suggesting that Samuel L. Jackson will be next to die because of this photographic evidence:

Scientists and others of the ilk (i.e. Devon Sawa and his predecessors from Final Destination 1-3) say that Samuel L. Jackson will be next. Experts unearthed this photo just yesterday. Even though it shows the three stars of the upcoming Soul Men, the red writing only appeared after Hayes's soul was taken by Xenu.

The scientists and this Samuel-L.-Jackson-dying-next theory are so wrong. You see, you've got a comedian/actor and singer dead. Another actor can't die - this just wouldn't follow the rules. At first, I thought artist, maybe the next to go is an artist. Basquiat could maybe be the missing link. Maybe we can find a time machine, bring him to today, and then he could die again. Unfortunately, this may be a bit difficult. Then it came to me. 

Jesse Jackson!

He so is the next to go. Hardly revered and totally a hater of ice cream, Obama and all things good, Jesse Jackson's totally next. 

See. Here he's scowling. He knows that death is after him. He's scowling death. He thinks he can beat it. Pssh, Devon Sawa didn't beat it.

Now he's on the phone. On the phone with Clinton? Nah, he's on the phone with death.

And here's final proof Jesse's next:

New Line Cinema is coming out with a new Final Destination.

On a completely different non-morbid note, we need to help this guy out. He's look for the best diarrhea stories. Of course, it's unpaid. So this dude may totally run with your great poop story and make a hit movie out of it starring Dave Arquette and Jason Biggs. Now that I think about this Craigslist posting, maybe not that great.