2-in-1 Shampoo + Conditioner

Failure. I'm a big proponent of failure. Failing comes naturally to me. I was only about a month into my new job, trying to impress my fellow lab rats, and I look down at my shoes. One pair brown with laces. The other - a very different shade of brown, and no laces. I am sure people have noticed. I decide to nervously tell a co-worker, a God, a Promethean man - whose inhuman, perfectionist qualities I have yet to discover. I jest that some of the best and brightest minds of the 20th century displayed the very same haphazard fashion sensibilities. Jesus Christ! Richard Feynman walked around backwards! Einstein wore dresses! Neils Bohr was a dick! My lies only illustrate my shallow self-conscience.

Today is not much different. My lab smock is covered in dried up adhesives, potting materials and iron filings. I can't remember the last time I brushed my hair. It sits on my head like a dog turd on a garbage pail lid. I have poppy seeds - fallen from their bagel fortresses - covering a dusty desk. I have become Denis Nedry, and I don't even get to work with Samuel L. Jackson, let alone steal dinosaur DNA from classified rooms.

I realize I am only in competition with myself, but it's really tough for a greasy-haired mouth-breather who had to use 2-in-1 shampoo + conditioner this morning.