The movie begins with stock film of a sand shark attacking an octopus, plankton chilling out, and fish gone wild, while a voiceover narrator informs us that oceanographers are intrigued by the Phantom Layer of the world’s oceans, which possibly contains millions of octopi. I am immediately craving murder by octopus. The blind deep sea predators are then described, along with the coelecanthe. I don’t need to learn about fish! Give me murders! The narrator informs us that we will invade the black wilderness of the ocean. MAJOR TWIST: The narrator was simply part of a film that some investor was showing off to bow-tied ocean aficionados. While eating fish sticks and tiny hot dogs they discuss a newly invented diving bell, which will allow for more boring ocean films to be made. We learn that there are actually two bells, the original, developed by Carradine’s Professor Wyman, and another built by the investor, Mr. Matheny, whose lead engineer is none other than Jim Wyman, Carradine’s brother. Carradine is at this moment preparing to launch his bell!
On his ship, a whole bunch of hubbub is going on about his new diving bell. The captain goes and informs “Lady Reporter” to come check out the launch. Too bad Professor Wyman is too big of a pussy to go down in his own diving bell, so he has assigned Craig and Paul, two of his oceanography students, to take it down, along with two still-unnamed ladies who so far are only referred to by gender. The descent begins! The bell reaches a depth of 1700 feet when the lights stop working. A cable slipped! Communication with the surface has ceased. Men wearing suits look upset. The newspaper reporters jump on Carradine like murderous octopi.
The occupants of the diving bell are shown alive, marooned at the bottom of the ocean with only 100 cubic feet of oxygen keeping them alive. Paul and Craig discuss their predicament and discuss their doomed lives. Paul doesn’t expect to see any new sea creatures – WHAT! There is still light from outside the bell, even though they have descended far beyond light’s penetration. Quickly they don their scuba gear. And somehow, even though the pressure should destroy the intrepid explorers, they have survived the escape from the diving bell. The other bell, built by the mustachioed connoisseurs of ocean film hors deourves, is mentioned, and I assume that an insane rescue will be mounted for Craig and Paul, though they have discovered for themselves a subterranean cave. Craig and Paul return to the bell for shoes and spears, obvious necessities when under the ocean. The two men begin to spear fish, while above the surface John Carradine drinks coffee. A sonar watcher informs the good professor that he witnessed masses swimming about, and he is certain they are men, because as a sonar watcher, he just knows a fish from a man!
At this point I need beer. They enjoy their fish and hit the hay. Nothing like a good night’s sleep to explore some plaster sets in the morning. They set off, and around a corner they discover an iguana! THE HUMANITY! They actually just sidestep the slithering beast and continue to find a pool of fresh water. Oh this is just what I want to see in theaters in the 1950s. Don’t fight any lizards, but please do find fountains and drinking water! This is amazing! The women begin to get catty. I learn their names. Lauri wishes they could help each other out, but finally, the brunt of ‘50s sci-fi misogyny becomes apparent and Dale, that Lady Reporter, tells her companion that there is nothing to help, “not as long as they have two men around.” At this point they realize they have come upon a dead end, which they have been led to by the now infallible Craig. While waiting for Paul to deliver crawfish, they hear screaming, and follow his yelps to find him kneeling before a human skeleton! Dale screams, and they see Santa Claus! A bearded cave creature appears, and Paul tells them not to worry. “So he’s a weirdo! Who else would come down here?” The wide-eyed beardo just stares back at them until they climb up to him. The bearded man tells them that he came with Skeletor whose name was Maurice, informs them that there is no way out, and that the air they are breathing is merely an outgassing of a nearby subterranean volcano. He takes them to his home, which consists of an old log (perhaps the only incredibly petrified object in the whole film) and a whole lot of fish bones. He tells them to rest.
Apparently the weirdo’s story doesn’t mesh with Paul’s quick perception, and he tells daddy-o Craig that they should keep their eye on him. Dale even begins to doubt her ever-present misogyny when she surmises that the old man might not be all there. Craig drops the bomb on Lauri by telling her he loves her. All they need is each other, and the sappy moment seems like it would never end, until, what would we see, but old beardo staring them down, his eyes like clams; his teeth like chiclets. On the surface, Professor Wyman visits the movie-loving engineer, Mr. Matheny, who has given up on the second bell. Wyman suggests to the man that he would like to use the second bell and take a dive himself. He discovered (probably on a drunken binge) that the bell didn’t fail “at the weakest link, but the strongest.” In possibly the worst/best montage I have ever witnessed, Wyman and his brother, who had been working on the second bell all along, break into the lab and start putting together cogs, wheels and gears. They drink coffee, they check alignments, and soon, they pat each other on the back.
Back in the caves the weirdo checks out Lauri while she fills a conch shell with water. Now that Dale knows about Craig’s relationship with Lauri, she’s pissed! No longer the center of attention, Dale tells Lauri that they better listen to her, or things aren’t going to be pretty. Lauri mans up and tells that bitch off. Beardo merely watches. The men are currently getting the last of the gear from the bell, while Wyman’s ship resides above them. Paul gets the bends and Craig drags him through the water to the other bell, now resting right next to the old bell. Wyman has found them! Wyman’s brother enters the bell with Craig and Paul, and is very excited. Beardo is excited too, and finds Dale alone, suggesting to her that they should kill the others and be together alone, JUST LIKE HE KILLED HIS FORMER COMPANION, MAURICE. Dale flips out and starts screaming when the volcano erupts. Beardo begins to chase Lauri and Dale through the caves, only to die to a cave-in. Then they find a passed out Craig back at the entrance to the caves, who wakes up and takes them back to the second, dual Wyman-engineered, bell. Dale apologizes to Lauri, and together they drink from a Thermos filled with love. Back on the ship, they thank Matheny, and Craig and Lauri have a weird moment, when a crewman mentions how happy they must be to be on the surface where they have room to breathe. Craig intones that he never really thought about how important it is, “having enough room to breathe.” I like to imagine that a sequel of this film would revolve around their failed marriage where Craig yells at Lauri for cooking too much red meat, and not letting him go to his regular poker game with Paul and Professor Wyman.
The film ends as the ship sets sail, and after three beers, I am mildly upset by how little excitement this film provides. Not one fish attack! Not one murder by Beardo! However, there was plenty of misogyny, which is a requirement for any film I enjoy made before 1960. I leave you with the full quote from Lauri and Dale’s catty beginnings, long before their thermos-based friendship. I hope the next film in this set provides more entertainment, and perhaps, more fish murder.
Dale Marshall: [to Lauri] You just listen to me, Miss Innocent. There's nothing friendly between two females. There never was. There never will be.
Lauri Talbott: Sorry you feel that way. I was hoping we could help each other.
Dale Marshall: You don't need help - neither do I. Not as long as we have two men around us.
Rating: 2 diving bells out of 5.
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2 comments:
this made me laugh so hard, thanks edscott. especially this line: "what would we see, but old beardo staring them down, his eyes like clams; his teeth like chiclets."
Thanks Ellen!
I moved the review blog elsewhere, but the next movie was such a disaster that I could barely find a theme of which to make fun.
http://crappyscifi.blogspot.com/
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