LoLz Thyme

The DaVinci Code Redux starring Tom Hanks and Tom Hanks, Jr. 

With a cameo by the Mona Lisa.

Directed by Tom Hanks, Sr.

[Thanks to Sarah for finding this gem]

Sucka MC Whaaa

Best rap-off ever - especially everything after 2:00.

JCVD Will Not Allow Stevie Seagal To Cut His Hair

The current financial crisis may all put us to tears (even though the market jumped back up 900 points yesterday then back down today), but at least Jean Claude Van Damme is lighting up the mood. JCVD, as we on the streets like to call him, is starring in his own mockudrama, JCVD. WWJCVDD? He would rob a bank because he lost a role to Stevie Seagal. Oh the mama-drama-dramamine!

It's a Dickie, Dick.

Croakies are so last summer. This fall the hottest fashion I have ever witnessed is going to make a comeback in a huge way. The dickie! Let's face it people - the recession is hitting us hard, and things are getting tough. Don't let your workplace steal the shirt off your back, just let them have your shirt - by investing heavily in that fashionable, cheap alternative.

Got sweaters, cardigans, t-shirts that need a little sprucing up? Just buy the adult bib - the DICKIE!

I'm seriously going to start wearing these. They are like 10 bucks a pop. Daddy needs to save some dough.


Randy Quaid Loves 'Em

So I'm trying to put together this documentary on online dating amongst recently post-college grads. The consensus is that online dating just isn't working for them. Whether it's sexymami69 getting scared and not replying back or pre-written messages along the lines of "U R Cute. eMail me for reasons y u should d8 me."

Videos should be up soon. Well as soon as I find a computer with Windows XP (since I was dumb enough to buy a camcorder that only loaded onto that).

I did find this great Craiglist ad tonight.

As I write, I'm doing my research on the apocalypse in order to defray this guy's rent.

Dour Hour

I finish up my lunch and head out to the car. I light a cigarette and come around the parking lot of the Wendy's, headed towards my haunt - the mid-day oasis for young moms and the jobless - the shopping center and its Wal-mart.

As I pass the pet store, the freshly-installed, plastic speed bumps slow me down and afford me a view of the denizens there. Mostly sloths and retirees. Old men with POW hats, bird-lovers - the worst - and other apparent haggard nobodies.

I'm the worst, though. Slowly driving past windows, staring at the people doing their thing, waiting to see some old broad with a nice rack or a fat ass. I slow down and wait for a woman to walk past with her baby carriage. As another car approaches I imagine it barreling past, knocking her down, sprawled out on the pavement.

I feel the need to judge others before they do the same to me. I hate who I am on my days off. But I'm not much better during the workaday week.

Mr. President, Have Pity on the Working Man

So according to this article, Stephen Colbert is still running for president - in the Marvel universe - at least, and has a good chance of being elected. I don't know how I feel about this. I always felt that most fictional presidents and leaders are hokey. The U.S. presidents resident in Marvel's past, as well as most displayed in the realm of comic books and film, are for the most part un-interesting, un-interested mirrors of their current real-world dopplegangers. I started thinking about some of my favorite fictional presidents/leaders, and also some of my most hated, instead of the standard, milque-toast, do-nothings.

Dick Nixon - President, Watchmen

Tricky Dick is more in the shadows than on the front page, his likeness only hinted at through the disconcerting graffiti littering the streets of Watchmen's New York. After killing the hell out of The Vietnam War, Dick's long-ass presidency (after abolishing the two-term limit) represents the neo-conservative values represented by the extremist characters populating the book. Perhaps I liked this portrayal of fictional leadership so much because there was only a hint of his leadership and decisions.

The Mayor - Ghostbusters, Ghostbusters II

A great leader who makes the right choices when necessary. He may need some pushing to do it, but he doesnt stall like so many other leaders would. When it comes down to it, he lets loose his rallying cry, "GET ME THE GHOSTBUSTERS!" His lackeys are the ones responsible for the mistakes made in arresting or holding up the Ghostbusters from getting work done, whether it be the EPA's Walter Wick, or the mayor's personal lackey in the sequel. As a foil for our universe's W., his advisors are the bumbling idiots - not the man himself.

Tim Robbins - President, Austin Powers II

Tim Robbins would never be elected president. The reason? Smarm. The guy is so smarmy it even oozes out of his paramour, Susan Sarandon's ears. He's so smarmy, jelly companies hatch plots to bottle the stuff. He lays it on much too thick when he laughs in the face of Evil.

Bonus Inanity - Robbins also plays puppet president, Norville Barnes, of Hudsucker Industries in the under-appreciated Hudsucker Proxy. Either way, he plays moronic, hubris-filled presidents, who would be out of luck if it weren't for British mystery men or magical janitors.

Geena Davis - President, That Show Where She Was President

I never even watched the show, but whatever alternate earth American population voted her into office must have been the most brain-dead populace since the civilians of Idiocracy. Who would think a snobby, goofy, fly/alien-loving psychopath could be president. She's unfortunately a step up from a moose-dressing, aerial wolf-hunting vp candidate we all know and love in this universe.

Dr. Zaius - Senate Counsellor - Planet of the Apes

Terrible. He represents all that is oppressive and evil in leadership. Close-minded, panicky, an ape. The list goes on. When Dr. Zaius accompanies Taylor to an unearthed cave within which are found human dolls, he scoffs and suggests that the dolls are merely ape toys. Even in the face of pure fact - would apes make a
doll....THAT TALKS!? - he reasons within his own worldview. If only we could blame apes today for global warming.


I was going to list some more, but I figured I'd let some commenters give their ideas. (I was going to mention President Camacho from Idiocracy but it would have been too easy. So what do you guys think? Any fictional leaders more inspiring than Morgan Freeman in Deep Impact?

And Now, Fun with Wikipedia.

Andrew Ridgely, (the other guy from WHAM!) was given the nickname "Osama bin Laden" by his golfing friends.

I guess he looks like Osama bin Laden? I don't really get it.

David Duchovny. Teacher. Lover. Porn Addict.

This week we had our "summer bbq" at work. I watched on in silence, conversing only with my boss and one co-worker from the lab. I just feel so out of place there. I don't know if it's the fact that I hate everyone or that I am stranger than everyone there. I just don't feel like I fit in. The standard boys' club that exists at companies like this will never be my home. I did win a Chili's gift card. American industry has succeeded.

I am finally caught up with Californication. I enjoy the show, it's kind of a mindless entertainment most of the time, except for the fact that the last episode taught me about the ass-licker, the third wheel of the pornographic menage a trois. Other than originally conjuring up the image of the Licker from Resident Evil 2 and the nightmares my high school self used to have of that image, it reminded me a lot of the geek, the nerd, the Baxter. It actually was kind of heart-warming to imagine that even porn stars can feel out of place when they don't have the pleasure of being the leading dick-taker.

Of Nuculear Weapons and Joey B.

What I hoped would be a train wreck, instead turned out to be dull VP debate with only a few intermittent gems (i.e. Gwen Ifill and her coat). Edscott (in white) and I (in yellow) aim'd (or whatever you kids call it nowadays) the Biden/Palin non-showdown for your amusement: