New Study States Obvious: Teenagers Having Sex

This week, scientists emerged from their cavernous labs with a new study finding that teenagers that watch “sexy” TV are more likely to have sex. Aside from the question of which groups fund studies like this and the infamous Daily Targum study that showed spring break increases STIs, I wonder what is sexy to teenagers today. Frank Caliendo? Stuffed crust pizza?

I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure the following does increase the likeliness of a teeanger boning:

- The Jonas Brothers: Nothing screams sex like diabeetus. Wilford Brimley would know. Nick Jonas, unofficial spokesman for diabetes sufferers, increases the insulin dangerously high for many young girls. As many know, an increase in blood sugar, mean increases in boning. Just last week, Nick Jonas had casual encounter-type offers from over 10,000 girls, but don’t bother diabeetus sufferers – Nick’s wearing his abstinence ring. As for his two brothers, Kevin and Joe, they only mildly increase teens’ blood sugars. Sure, their voices and beats get the kids bumpin’ on the dance floor, but blood sugars remain somewhat consistent. It's all about Nick.

- Twilight: Since Shadow of a Vampire with dreamy Willem Dafoe, teenagers everywhere have pledged their virginity to vampires. In the Twilight series, a slew of teenage vampires flies and drinks blood in a dark and always-cloudy town. One of them falls in love with a human. These vampires, already hot thanks to their inability to tan, are even hotter upon discovery of their vegetarianism. Moody, pale vegetarians. Sounds like he’s from Williamsburg.

I haven’t read Twilight but NuttyMadam3575, my favorite YouTube celebrity, sums up why teenagers cream their pants when in the vicinity of a vampire.

    

- Fear Street: Teenagers love reading books. When I was in middle school, I read a lot of Fear Street. This is how I learned about making out in the backseats of cars and murderous twin sisters. Nowadays, when scouring the Young Adult section of the library, all the Fear Street books seem to be taken out. Thanks to titles like The Boy Next Door and Double Date, teenagers now know how to not only spot the town serial killer (usually driving a Pontiac Firebird or Camaro), but they also know how to get into his backseat and accidentally get to second base.

- New Kids on the Block: Whoa. NKOTB always had the right stuff. They had the right stuff when I was five and they have it again, now that I’m not five. Sure, when I was five, I was a fan of prepubescent Joey McIntyre. I could relate to him with the whole voice not having cracked yet. Now, teenagers love Donnie Wahlberg. It’s all about street credit with these kids, and who has more than the older brother of Marky Mark? Growing up on the tough streets of Boston, he learned how to create his own Molotov cocktails and curse during awards shows. He didn’t need to learn how to sing – he was born with the gift. Teenagers love badasses, they always have. Vampires, James Dean and now Donnie Wahlberg. Ladies Love the Wahlberg. What’s more exciting is that Donnie is a divorced daddy, a d.d. For the girl with no daddy growing up, a d.d. will help teach her how to love and do the “Hangin’ Tough” dance.