I started a new "things" blog. You know, like cool things you can look at, maybe get or that make you say, "Ugh, why did she make me look at this? Why am I reading this? Why am I saying this out loud in my head?"

It's that sort of thing.

In the Land of a Thousand Malls

Fun With History!

Not unlike most patrons of the internet, I am a frequent visitor of the Internet Movie Database. In quiet deliberation and intense thought, I was debating about the B-movie Dennis Quaid qualities of Mark Harmon when I stumbled upon the page for Napoleon Bonaparte - the man, not the frequent character of film - and I was intrigued by the comments left for the nearly two-centuries-dead ruler.

Look at the treasure trove of information I just learned about a man on a website that devotes itself to telling me when to celebrate Alexis Bledel's birthday. For one, I learned that he was the Best Conqueror Ever. I also learned that he was behind the selling of the Louisiana territories to the United States. I also learned that close personal friends of the man like to call him Nappy Boney, that somebody had a dream about him, and that he had a birthday.

After this discovery, I decided to do some more populace-based history research. Next on my list was my favorite chin-strap: Abraham Lincoln.

Guess what? This dude could kick ass. Both George Washington (and apparently Ric Flair) were on this guy's list. Wrestling Champion? asks Blueangels. Well, I dare say he must have been. Greco-Roman and modern professional I bet. He practically invented mixed martial arts, my friends. Of course, the question of his sexuality is brought up. What true historic investigation would be complete without it? So was he gay? Yes, of course, opines NutMustard. I can't argue with that.

I ended my history lesson with a man who still roams the fabled druidic moors of merry-old-England! His Royal Highness Prince Charles I'm looking at you!

The first thing I see is that apparently, like Britney, this man should be left alone. The poor schlub is just misunderstood. Like Will Smith to his parents, Prince Charles is a mystery - a four-dimensional quandary. Speaking of the fourth dimension, many believe he aged poorly, and that something apparently happened between 1981 and 2005. Well, he had kids folks. No father can weather the advancing exhaustion and senility that children provide. Others are concerned that he may never be king, but do not fret, for he is Aire to the Throne. He will literally host eagles at his coronation and consort with parrots. Iago will be the education Czar under Charles' rule!

Iago will be Prince Charles' Dick Cheney. Watch that bum ticker, Iago.

Jim Carrey is the new Tom Cruise

The apocalypse must have occurred yesterday. Tom Cruise was on Today, acting like a crazy, but not calling Matt Lauer "glib." Shucks.



Then Jim Carrey is on Larry King talking abut how he's taking "vitamins" and won't take legitimate medication like Prozac. He even acknowledges that he's going down that Tom Cruise route. Ruh-oh.

Some transcript for ye folks:

KING: Didn't you suffer from depression?

CARREY: Yes, yes. I'm on a manic high right now. Can't you tell?

KING: How did you get through that to this?

CARREY: Well, that's another thing. You know at the risk of like opening up the whole Tom Cruise Prozac argument, you know, I don't disagree in many ways. I think Prozac and things like that are very valuable to people for short periods of time. But I believe if you're on them for an extended period of time, you never get to the problem. You never get to see what the problem is, because everything is just kind of OK. And so, you don't deal. And people deal when they get desperate.

KING: So how did you do it?

CARREY: I take supplements.

KING: Vitamins?

CARREY: Yes -- well, it's not -- well, it is vitamins. But it's also certain elements of the brain like Tyrocine (ph) and hydroxy tryptophan that they're treating depression with now. It is a natural substance that's in your brain. Instead of being a Serotonin inhibitor, which just uses the serotonin you have and Prozac and things like that -- it just uses the Serotonin you have and it doesn't allow it go back into the receptor. It metabolizes your serotonin after a while and you have to keep taking more and more to feel good.

This actually creates dopamine and creates serotonin. It's a wonderful thing. It's amazing. I'm going to talk a lot about it in the near future.

KING: You're going to write about it?

CARREY: Yes.


[Thanks, Jezebel]

Future Karaoke Partner

I better run into this kid in Seoul. When I do, we're definitely karaoking together. Then he can "ram it in my thighs" and "wrestle me around."

Tonight, I made posters for the silent auction taking place during the holiday party tomorrow. This is my favorite. It's an overnight stay at a Hilton (yes, luxury) in NJ. What would you do during an overnight stay for two in the middle of NJ? Jump on beds and go to the Short Hills Mall, DUH! Not bone, eat oysters and have rocks on your naked back.

I LOVE NINTENDO

Bowser + "Money For Nothin'" = Gold!

I LOVE ATARI

June 2009. 25 years of my life being awesome.

Visiting the Capitol Will Cause Time Travel

Last weekend, I visited D.C. for the first time. Much to my mother's dismay, I did not go to see the White House or the monuments. Instead, I visited the future. The future as seen through 1980's eyes.

This is what the future looks like:

The Metro was definitely inspired by Star Wars. In fact, I'm pretty sure George Lucas invented the D.C. Metro. Inside, the cars, like the Starspeeder 3000, you'll find the floors carpeted and a calm, cool and collected voice announcing the next stop.

D.C., more precisely Bowie, Maryland (where David Bowie is in fact the mayor), unveiled the wonders of Diane Horner and country line dancing. The fine art of country line dancing was created in 1990 with the advent of jean shorts layered upon biker shorts. One day, a young Diane Horner, wearing her jean and biker shorts, entered a saloon. The older bartender with a handlebar moustache handed her a pair of cowboy boots and said, "This is your lucky day. You are my new student." "New student in what?" Diane asked. He then walked over to his jukebox and out burst the sounds of Run DMC  and Billy Ray Cyrus. "Why, country hip hop dancing," he said. Upon those words, a band of brothers emerged from the saloon doors. This band would then become her backup dancers. Heidi, TJ, Susan and Jamie.

Thus this was born:

I don't know when I'll be back in D.C. again. Next time, I will make sure to bring my light saber and cowboy boots.