Landlords, Landladies, & the Freaks of America

So this morning I drove about 45 minutes to look at an apartment and when I arrived, the landlady informed me that the apartment had been taken. I guess she forgot that telephones exist? But no worries, because she has another two-bedroom available. Of course it is a shared space and the original tenant has no plans of sharing the kitchen, but I and my future roommate look like fellas who don't enjoy the culinary arts. She literally asked us, "Do you like to cook?" Regardless of my feelings about cooking, I have to do it to survive. Maybe I can just learn witchcraft, but there was also a no-cauldron clause in the rental agreement. No thanks, (land)lady! Maybe I've been spoiled by the privileges of being able to use a sink and a refrigerator, but I'm not about to start living an ascetic lifestyle just yet, unless copious amounts of women or spiritual enlightenment are available at the end of such a journey.

I have found so far in my life that most landlords are insane, or just stupid, but I started rethinking that this morning. I think that maybe the stressful situation of being a landlord exacerbates one's insanity. When I first moved to Maryland I was renting a room in a small house, with a guy who was extremely strange (but let me use his kitchen, at least). He was a day-trader, and a successful one at that, what with living in a house his parents had paid off almost thirty years ago, and renting two rooms to ne'er-do-wells and retired navy men. He was very religious, really into exercise, but also drank like a fish. I was only there for about three months, but the other bedroom was occupied by as many tenants. I'm sure the stress of his hectic renting situation influenced his hectic life, moreso than any mental instability may have. I think, if nothing else, I will try to give these land-owners the benefit of the doubt. I mean, it's not like the Magna Carta is making it any easier for them.

Hilary Swank is totes having a devil baby

Due to the fact that I didn't want to climb a few stairs to take a nap in my room, I watched t.v. with my parents. Not only did I watch "Greatest American Dog," but I also watched this incredibly amateurish horror film starring Hilary Swank as a miracle disproving professor. The Reaping centers around a town, "cleverly" named "Haven," that starts experiencing the biblical plague. Like all "horror" movies before this, a little girl is the center of this "evil." I'm boring myself just typing this. All you need to know if you do decide to watch this movie is that the director has no concept of sound. It's impossible to hear the dialogue without blasting your eardrums thanks to the spooky and ominous music. No way, I would've never guessed a frog was about to jump on Hilary Swank! Thanks creepy, ominous music! I'm almost thankful that the background music masks the dialogue. I only wish that George Michael would've provided the soundtrack. I needed something to wake me up so I could go, go up to my room.

While we were watching this cinema verite, my mom said she was confused as to what was happening. Honestly, I was, too. I don't remember many things my mom has said over the years - I tend to block them out. But in 1996, my parents rented "Mission Impossible." I was fortunate enough, not 13 yet, to watch the movie with them. Tom Cruise's spy ways left me a little confused, and when I asked my mom what was going on in the movie, she said, "You're not old enough to understand. That's why you're confused." I haven't seen the movie since then, so I'm not sure whether I'd be confused. So when my mom said "The Reaping" was confusing, I told her the "Mission Impossible" story. My mom's response: "Of all the things you remember, you remember this." I forget a lot of things, especially recently, but for some reason, be it Tom Cruise or Ving Rhames, I will never forget that line. 

I should make my mom watch some David Lynch films, then when she says she's confused, I should tell her that she's not old enough to understand. Gotta be 60+ to understand Lynch, duh.

Kevin Costner is Under Pressure

Swing Vote? Really?



So Kevin Costner holds the singular swing vote for the future president of the United States. I couldn't think of a better casting choice to represent the absolute average of Americana. Maybe if we were living on pontoons in the ocean I would allow him to be the decider of this high office, but he'd be so smarmy with all the I-told-you-so's while sitting in his ivory innertube. Do these so-called politically-minded actors really think their movies are helping people? "Oh, I watched The Post Man last week, so now I know in the future I won't be a dick." Thanks Kevin Costner.

Things that are overrated - Go!

For some reason, I've been thinking a lot about overrated things this week. Right now, this is a starting list. Only more items will be added.

1. Angelina Jolie 

2. Flight of the Conchords

3. Rush Limbaugh (who just signed a $400 million!?!? contract to be a douche)

4. Nicolas Cage (He refuses to put an "h" in his name and his the plugs/wig/dog on his head is way too distracting in "Next")

He's Not As Good As George Lopez

I watched about ten minutes of The George Lopez Show tonight. I really can't wait until I reach the age where I can watch a show like that without irony. But, really, there were some jokes that got me! There was a plantains/dick joke. There were multiple sex jokes. There was a scene with George Lopez laying on the couch resting potato chips on his shirt! These are the kinds of high-consciousness jokes that go on in that show. It's basically the Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead of the sitcom. However, I have discovered that I am not old enough yet to deny that this last statement is full of hyperbole.

Drank Ain't No Thang

I'm wearing suspenders today and this picture encapsulates how I feel about them. I reckon I need some watermelon to shoot some seeds. Some bubbles, too.

Currently waiting for work, but here's a David Berman interview and a review on Drank - Joose's competition. Let's not kid ourselves, though. Nothing beats Joose. For $2, you're set for an hour, at least. With Drank, $16 will get you to Napville. Kanye needs to write a song about Joose or maybe A Tribe Called Quest can reunite for this song.

Or maybe the Unsolved Mysteries trio?

Hand o' cock?

I just ate grapes. They were great. Fresh fruit is great.

I can't wait for Dollywood. Why can't it be August 22nd already?

Oh, and Hancock comes out tomorrow. I don't care about the movie (with the exception of Jason Bateman), but someone decided to write "Handcock" on our theater marquee. I will try to get a cell phone snapshot later. I'm guessing a disgruntled (probably teenage) theater employee wrote it. No angry parents better complain about the typo before I take a picture. Then again, I forget that people are bad with spelling and grammar. So maybe they'll think that Will Smith is the Hand of Cock?