Hub City Brotel

An Ode to Autumn

2010-10-02T16:27:00.000-07:00

I love the smells, the changing of the leaves, and the 12 year old xtreme skateboarders doing ollies in the Quick Check parking lot.

How Far Can It Go?

2010-02-20T12:11:00.000-08:00

My nerd levels are off the charts right now. From Brent Spiner's 1991 release "Ol Yellow Eyes is Back," "It's a Sin to Tell a Lie" featuring Patrick Stewart, Levar Burton, Michael Dorn and Jonathon "Two-takes" Frakes. Enjoy

This Amazing Internet

2010-02-18T13:30:00.001-08:00

Years ago, after reading a transcript of one of Kurt Vonnegut's speeches, I had the urge to read Ambrose Bierce's "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge." I easily discovered a copy of it online and read the amazing short story.

I had known about, but never seen, the French film version, which was later purchased and syndicated as a Twilight Zone episode. Yesterday, I decided to see if I could find a version of it online. I easily found the episode broken down into three parts on youtube.

In the film, the Union spy/war criminal finds his escape accompanied by a hauntingly beautiful song called "Live Livin' Man." I searched for a version of it online and found a few. It's amazing that such a small aspect of the film, which had been adapted from the Ambrose Bierce short story, had been picked up on by at least two musicians who also appreciated the simple and amazing melody of the song.

When I decided to learn the song on guitar after listening to the song over and over, I quickly found a primer on the chords posted by one of the previously mentioned musicians.

I am constantly amazed by the niche groups and interests that are present on the web, and I'm always grateful when it pays off in a new way.

I Don't Take Compliments Well

2010-02-17T19:07:00.001-08:00

This is how I responded to one just today:

"You're looking thin. Have you lost weight?"
"No. I think you think so because you're pregnant."

The Angel's Share

2010-01-01T15:36:00.000-08:00

Write More. Drink less.

Also discover more methods of divination. Reading tarot, tea leaves and candle wax is old hat. Coffee grinds and seltzer bubbles are totally in vogue.

One-upsmanship!

2009-11-15T12:34:00.000-08:00

I think I hyped up this joke too much this morning and everyone hated it. Still, it's my best American currency joke yet.

Like it, Love it, GOTTA HAVE IT!

2009-11-04T13:53:00.000-08:00

So after the weekend, and about a thousand Windows 7 Release Party and Aziz Ansari's "Randy" references, I'm having a hard time deciding what I actually like with a genuine amount of admiration.

I love Randy. I know it's supposed to be ironic - I get what he's doing - but Aziz Ansari himself has testified that for the Randy character to work, the jokes have to be real, they have to have structure. So am I wrong for genuinely laughing at his absurd shit?

Also I think Randy would listen to this, and I can't tell if mash-ups should only be enjoyed in an ironic way. I don't think I can genuinely like anything anymore.

Disturbing Basement DVD Realizations

2009-11-02T18:20:00.000-08:00

So the dvd player in my basement doesn't get that much use, though I usually watch my crappy sci-fi movies on it, or if I'm drinking at home and I need to hide. So when I decided to fire it up today it started at the scene I last left it off at.

That scene was Patricia Arquette stripping at gunpoint for Robert Loggia's character in Lost Highway. I need to stop watching Lynch on my family dvd player.

Thank god this dvd player gets no use. My family would assume I'm really into watching porn with Robert Loggia.

The Adventures of Child-Man

2009-10-19T19:48:00.001-07:00

Giving up WoW for the foreseeable future.

Not giving up cartoons.

Yes, that's a cartoon John Hodgman who will show up sometime this season. Super excited.

Overwhelmed

2009-06-16T21:45:00.000-07:00

So instead of hijacking this blog for the summer, and replacing the fun videos and short blurbs we post on here with three page reviews of shitty science fiction, I've moved the reviews to a new blog entitled A Space Travesty

Check it out there. A review of "Queen of the Amazons" is now up.

The Excellent SciFi of Today

2009-06-13T23:08:00.000-07:00

Need a train buddy to go see this one. You in O'Brain? Now I really have a craving to see Sam Rockwell yelling "GO BACK TO BED, CHINA!"

O Hello, It's Me David Lynch! I Want You to Be in My Movie!

2009-06-11T05:39:00.000-07:00

One of my reasons why David Lynch is awesome.

The Crappy SciFi of Today

2009-06-08T12:54:00.000-07:00

Debbie Gibson! Lorenzo Lamas! A mega shark and a giant octopus. Amazing.

50 Movie Pack: SciFi Classics: Part I - The Incredible Petrified World

2009-06-04T20:54:00.000-07:00

While picking up Wrath of Khan to satiate my incredible jonesing for Star Trek at Best Buy, I espied a box set of DVDs, entitled 50 Movie Pack: SciFi Classics. Touting such unheard of classics as They Came From Beyond Space, Kong Island, and Laser Mission, I immediately grabbed for the 15 dollars it was selling for and ran to the register. The first film is The Incredible Petrified World, starring John Carradine. Coincidentally, his son David Carradine passed away by apparent hanging in Thailand today, so of course there was no more a topical film to start this journey through 50 awful films. I will be giving a synopsis of each film, along with my opinion and amount of alcohol needed to endure the rigors of cinematic waste. The Incredible Petrified World is hardly incredible, and only the acting could be described as petrified. But I’m already getting ahead of myself.

The movie begins with stock film of a sand shark attacking an octopus, plankton chilling out, and fish gone wild, while a voiceover narrator informs us that oceanographers are intrigued by the Phantom Layer of the world’s oceans, which possibly contains millions of octopi. I am immediately craving murder by octopus. The blind deep sea predators are then described, along with the coelecanthe. I don’t need to learn about fish! Give me murders! The narrator informs us that we will invade the black wilderness of the ocean. MAJOR TWIST: The narrator was simply part of a film that some investor was showing off to bow-tied ocean aficionados. While eating fish sticks and tiny hot dogs they discuss a newly invented diving bell, which will allow for more boring ocean films to be made. We learn that there are actually two bells, the original, developed by Carradine’s Professor Wyman, and another built by the investor, Mr. Matheny, whose lead engineer is none other than Jim Wyman, Carradine’s brother. Carradine is at this moment preparing to launch his bell!

On his ship, a whole bunch of hubbub is going on about his new diving bell. The captain goes and informs “Lady Reporter” to come check out the launch. Too bad Professor Wyman is too big of a pussy to go down in his own diving bell, so he has assigned Craig and Paul, two of his oceanography students, to take it down, along with two still-unnamed ladies who so far are only referred to by gender. The descent begins! The bell reaches a depth of 1700 feet when the lights stop working. A cable slipped! Communication with the surface has ceased. Men wearing suits look upset. The newspaper reporters jump on Carradine like murderous octopi.

The occupants of the diving bell are shown alive, marooned at the bottom of the ocean with only 100 cubic feet of oxygen keeping them alive. Paul and Craig discuss their predicament and discuss their doomed lives. Paul doesn’t expect to see any new sea creatures – WHAT! There is still light from outside the bell, even though they have descended far beyond light’s penetration. Quickly they don their scuba gear. And somehow, even though the pressure should destroy the intrepid explorers, they have survived the escape from the diving bell. The other bell, built by the mustachioed connoisseurs of ocean film hors deourves, is mentioned, and I assume that an insane rescue will be mounted for Craig and Paul, though they have discovered for themselves a subterranean cave. Craig and Paul return to the bell for shoes and spears, obvious necessities when under the ocean. The two men begin to spear fish, while above the surface John Carradine drinks coffee. A sonar watcher informs the good professor that he witnessed masses swimming about, and he is certain they are men, because as a sonar watcher, he just knows a fish from a man!

At this point I need beer. They enjoy their fish and hit the hay. Nothing like a good night’s sleep to explore some plaster sets in the morning. They set off, and around a corner they discover an iguana! THE HUMANITY! They actually just sidestep the slithering beast and continue to find a pool of fresh water. Oh this is just what I want to see in theaters in the 1950s. Don’t fight any lizards, but please do find fountains and drinking water! This is amazing! The women begin to get catty. I learn their names. Lauri wishes they could help each other out, but finally, the brunt of ‘50s sci-fi misogyny becomes apparent and Dale, that Lady Reporter, tells her companion that there is nothing to help, “not as long as they have two men around.” At this point they realize they have come upon a dead end, which they have been led to by the now infallible Craig. While waiting for Paul to deliver crawfish, they hear screaming, and follow his yelps to find him kneeling before a human skeleton! Dale screams, and they see Santa Claus! A bearded cave creature appears, and Paul tells them not to worry. “So he’s a weirdo! Who else would come down here?” The wide-eyed beardo just stares back at them until they climb up to him. The bearded man tells them that he came with Skeletor whose name was Maurice, informs them that there is no way out, and that the air they are breathing is merely an outgassing of a nearby subterranean volcano. He takes them to his home, which consists of an old log (perhaps the only incredibly petrified object in the whole film) and a whole lot of fish bones. He tells them to rest.

Apparently the weirdo’s story doesn’t mesh with Paul’s quick perception, and he tells daddy-o Craig that they should keep their eye on him. Dale even begins to doubt her ever-present misogyny when she surmises that the old man might not be all there. Craig drops the bomb on Lauri by telling her he loves her. All they need is each other, and the sappy moment seems like it would never end, until, what would we see, but old beardo staring them down, his eyes like clams; his teeth like chiclets. On the surface, Professor Wyman visits the movie-loving engineer, Mr. Matheny, who has given up on the second bell. Wyman suggests to the man that he would like to use the second bell and take a dive himself. He discovered (probably on a drunken binge) that the bell didn’t fail “at the weakest link, but the strongest.” In possibly the worst/best montage I have ever witnessed, Wyman and his brother, who had been working on the second bell all along, break into the lab and start putting together cogs, wheels and gears. They drink coffee, they check alignments, and soon, they pat each other on the back.

Back in the caves the weirdo checks out Lauri while she fills a conch shell with water. Now that Dale knows about Craig’s relationship with Lauri, she’s pissed! No longer the center of attention, Dale tells Lauri that they better listen to her, or things aren’t going to be pretty. Lauri mans up and tells that bitch off. Beardo merely watches. The men are currently getting the last of the gear from the bell, while Wyman’s ship resides above them. Paul gets the bends and Craig drags him through the water to the other bell, now resting right next to the old bell. Wyman has found them! Wyman’s brother enters the bell with Craig and Paul, and is very excited. Beardo is excited too, and finds Dale alone, suggesting to her that they should kill the others and be together alone, JUST LIKE HE KILLED HIS FORMER COMPANION, MAURICE. Dale flips out and starts screaming when the volcano erupts. Beardo begins to chase Lauri and Dale through the caves, only to die to a cave-in. Then they find a passed out Craig back at the entrance to the caves, who wakes up and takes them back to the second, dual Wyman-engineered, bell. Dale apologizes to Lauri, and together they drink from a Thermos filled with love. Back on the ship, they thank Matheny, and Craig and Lauri have a weird moment, when a crewman mentions how happy they must be to be on the surface where they have room to breathe. Craig intones that he never really thought about how important it is, “having enough room to breathe.” I like to imagine that a sequel of this film would revolve around their failed marriage where Craig yells at Lauri for cooking too much red meat, and not letting him go to his regular poker game with Paul and Professor Wyman.

The film ends as the ship sets sail, and after three beers, I am mildly upset by how little excitement this film provides. Not one fish attack! Not one murder by Beardo! However, there was plenty of misogyny, which is a requirement for any film I enjoy made before 1960. I leave you with the full quote from Lauri and Dale’s catty beginnings, long before their thermos-based friendship. I hope the next film in this set provides more entertainment, and perhaps, more fish murder.

Dale Marshall: [to Lauri] You just listen to me, Miss Innocent. There's nothing friendly between two females. There never was. There never will be.
Lauri Talbott: Sorry you feel that way. I was hoping we could help each other.
Dale Marshall: You don't need help - neither do I. Not as long as we have two men around us.

Rating: 2 diving bells out of 5.

You're Just Not A War-time Consigliere-wolf

2009-06-01T19:06:00.000-07:00

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON trailer

Watching this trailer while The Godfather plays in the background is an eye-opening experience. When will teen vampire movies finally reach the cinematic achievement of the most important gangster film ever made?

"It's a vampiric message: Edward Cullen swims with the fishes"

"You can ACT LIKE A WEREWOLF!"

"What are you?"
"A war-time consigliere."
"How long have you been a war-time consigliere?"
"A while."

Unfinished Drafts

2009-05-31T22:23:00.000-07:00

Looking through possible entries to edit, I realize I start many and never finish. I apologize for all the great things you're missing out on. I mean, they could be really great. At least my whiteboard covered in "To Dont's" and crazy ideas would imply that they could be great.

I finished the third season of The Wire tonight with Os. The season seemed to lurch and halt at times, but I think it was a creative decision that followed McNulty's same path of reconciling the absoluteness of his quest to put one man behind bars and the eventual emptiness he feels when bullets take that away from him.

Those same thematic bullets keep me from finishing blog entries, to putting life shit in order, to picking up healthy hobbies now neglected. Actually I can't even say that, because I don't put eggs in any baskets, let alone all of them in one. A friend of mine once told me that I just let things fall in my lap. I guess that's true, and I guess that's why I feel just as empty as McNulty about it.

2009-05-25T15:21:00.000-07:00

Why have I not seen this video sooner? This makes me want to be in quarantine with the other teachers who have the piggy flew. Actually, they're not on an island, but the other jerks who have a week-and-a-half off, probably are lounging and listening to Debarge.

Jeff Probst's Doppleganger

2009-05-24T20:35:00.000-07:00

Taking the name Ed Probst, I begin an endeavor into a home/work version of Survivor

Concept: An internet version of Survivor consisting of a Google group and a chain e-mail to 10 contestants. Every week a challenge will be put forth and the winner gets immunity from getting voted out of the Google group. These challenges may be electronic or physical or any random thing that pops into my head. The chain e-mail is for updates and for the contestants to trash talk each other while at work. Eventually contestants will begin to e-mail each other privately and form alliances and secret vendettas.

In practice: So far, so good. The first week's challenge was to create a visual creation of an ultimate survivor, including a chart listing attributes and skills. Inspired by the discovery of Darwinius massilae, a possible missing link in the fossil record. Other challenges may follow down a theme that is yet unknown to contestants, and in a beguiling manner, to myself.

One of the entries for the challenge:

True Evolution vs. Makin' Money

2009-05-12T16:47:00.001-07:00

A guy with a Jesus Fish adornment on his car cut me off the other day. I always wondered about the Jesus Fish and what kind of "witnessing" the bearers of said mark are attempting to accomplish. Seeing a Jesus Fish on some jerks car is about as likely to get me to give my life to Christ as a Vote for Jimmy Buffet bumper sticker is going to coerce me into changing my decision at the polls.

This weekend began a family debate with no end concerning Honus Wagner's contribution to the sport of baseball. He is unequivocally considered to be the best short stop of all time, by baseball writers whose grandparents never even saw the guy play. His numbers are daunting and it is strange that no player has eclipsed his milestones for over 100 years.

The status of the man had me wondering about the state of evolution and where we as a species are headed. Psychoactive drugs have led New Agers to believe that 95% of children exhibit this aura. The credulous feelings I encounter when thinking about such a situation overwhelm my rationale. Are we pursuing science in an effort to gain insight to truth, or do we use what little we know to puff ourselves up as being greater than the random place we fill on our little planet?

Will science ever be as well understood among a majority of people as the religion and fiction with which we preoccupy most of our time?

George Takei: Hero

2009-05-02T02:47:00.001-07:00

Kirk: Yes, at night the temperature drops to 120 degrees below zero.

Sulu: That's nippy.

Abhorrent Sexual Fantasies, Pt. 1

2009-04-27T23:21:00.000-07:00

Yeoman, I'm in love.

Looking for women interested in donning federation standard issue.

Falling Down On Corners

2009-04-19T20:04:00.000-07:00

Had such a long and good weekend, from acapella birthday songs to drunken washers and eating doritos while watching friends get in melee scuffles. My bones ache right now, and I'm barely making it through these episodes of The Wire, but I will persevere.

Taking the chemistry Praxis next weekend and I'm really nervous, but hopefully it works out in the end. I need to get some application stuff done for a teaching program I'm looking at but I forget how to write about myself in a positive way.

Omar Don't Scare

2009-04-19T20:02:00.000-07:00

Catching the Big Fish

2009-04-15T20:22:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been having a hard time distinguishing between my subconscious feats and my lucid ones. I think it's due to an overactive imagination coupled with a feeling of dread for all things real. I even take myself out of moments lately that have the crippling effect of this reality. Other people's discussions about their lives and reconciling the world they live in are a far cry from the nagging doubt I have about my abilities to thrive and exist in the same realm.

David Lynch prescribes transcendental meditation as the cure-all for these doubts, and as a gateway to the ultimate goal of "catching the big fish" - that moment wherein dream can actually become reality. I've never been one for mysticism beyond the occasional religious event, but maybe it's time I start thinking about a way to cope in a place full of confusing predicaments. For now, I think I'll begin a dream journal as some way to keep reminded of my own shortcomings and possible solutions to these terrifying events.

Unfortunately I remain a child - a returned piece of scrap from a pile of mail at home informed me of my sad state; it was a list of a perfected end-game team of Pokemon.

Keep dreaming.

2009-03-23T09:06:00.000-07:00

What I would like to receive for my next birthday.

For LOST Fans Only (semi-spoilers)

2009-02-19T10:32:00.000-08:00

My brother; merchant marine, part-time philosopher, and The View-watcher, has cracked the whole steaming goose egg that is the mystery of LOST, which he detailed to me via text: (posted verbatim)

Andrew: Dude that kid that claire had on the island is jack when he was young. And ben is jacks brother cuz if you watch the episode back in season two when jack is young you see that little boy ben is waving to him with his mom
Me: You are full of it.
Andrew: No its true then marty takes jennifer home and drops her on that swinging bench
Me: how did ben get off the island as a boy?
Andrew: good question iguado. That submarine that blew up used to time travel when it hit eighty eight miles an hour
Me: Jin taught charlotte korean when she was a little girl i bet.
Andrew: Jin was drivin one of the police cars that was chasing hurley in the first episode of season four
Andrew: And suns father is that dude in those videos when he was younger
Me: So in your own words, what is really going on. Whats the whole point?
Andrew: I dont know...Land Before Time meets Happy Days

There you have it. All of LOST condensed to an easily accessible thought. Of course, Andrew once told me that LOST was like Dawson's Creek meets The X-Files meets Baywatch, so there's still a lot of mystery to mull over here.

David Kriss Kross

2009-02-03T19:29:00.000-08:00

Gosh, gosh, gosh. I love, love, love David Cross. Even though he's not a big stand-up fan, I still love both of his cds.

He did an interview for NY Post, where he said he has no idea what's happening with the Arrested Development. And then he had this to say:

What's next for you?

Thanks to a little something called contractual obligation, I'm heading to Los Angeles to do the sequel . . . I'm sorry, did I say sequel? I meant squeak-quel . . . to "Alvin and the Chipmunks," which I was not interested in at all until I heard they were calling it a "squeak-quel." Then I said, "f - - - ing sign me up." But yeah, that is a contractual obligation that I can't get out of, so I will be doing that.

Too bad I'm going to be in Azia when Year One comes out. Also, I'm digging the biblical mullet Paul Rudd is sporting. 1980s = BC?

Things That Prove I'm Average Joe America Part I...

2009-02-02T14:36:00.000-08:00

Used the Taco Bell store locator to figure out where I can satiate my current crunchwrap fix. I feel like this would be a cause of depression for me, if I wasn't wavering on the fact that maybe I did this because I'm already depressed.

Disko

2009-01-28T10:17:00.000-08:00

This video makes me want to be more into disco.

Also, if you happen to look up the name Fan Death on wikipedia, you'll find out that it is an urban legend in South Korea. Could this be a sign that a fan may cause me to suffocate or die o hypothermia? Ruh-roh.

2009-01-06T19:10:00.001-08:00

Photoshopping some of my faves!

2009-01-05T20:07:00.000-08:00

Apologies for no photoshopped masterpieces recently.

In celebration of the holidays, here are some of Hub City Brotel's favorite people. Actually, they're definitely some of my faves.

As ESW puts it best, Mark Harmon is a D-list version of Bill Paxton, who's a B-list version of Dennis Quaid. Of course, this photo was taken in 1987, when Mark Harmon (then only a B-list version of Dennis Quaid), interviewed famed karaoke idol, William Hung. William Hung performed "She Bangs" on that episode.

[Note to self: For those planning my funeral, I request Hung's version of "She Bangs" to be played during the procession].

No joke, John Candy = probably best comedian ever? Clint Howard = best cameo actor ever? Coincidentally, Clint Howard also loves eating Cameo cookies.

2008-12-17T18:34:00.001-08:00

I started a new "things" blog. You know, like cool things you can look at, maybe get or that make you say, "Ugh, why did she make me look at this? Why am I reading this? Why am I saying this out loud in my head?"

It's that sort of thing.

In the Land of a Thousand Malls

Fun With History!

2008-12-16T21:45:00.000-08:00

Not unlike most patrons of the internet, I am a frequent visitor of the Internet Movie Database. In quiet deliberation and intense thought, I was debating about the B-movie Dennis Quaid qualities of Mark Harmon when I stumbled upon the page for Napoleon Bonaparte - the man, not the frequent character of film - and I was intrigued by the comments left for the nearly two-centuries-dead ruler.

Look at the treasure trove of information I just learned about a man on a website that devotes itself to telling me when to celebrate Alexis Bledel's birthday. For one, I learned that he was the Best Conqueror Ever. I also learned that he was behind the selling of the Louisiana territories to the United States. I also learned that close personal friends of the man like to call him Nappy Boney, that somebody had a dream about him, and that he had a birthday.

After this discovery, I decided to do some more populace-based history research. Next on my list was my favorite chin-strap: Abraham Lincoln.

Guess what? This dude could kick ass. Both George Washington (and apparently Ric Flair) were on this guy's list. Wrestling Champion? asks Blueangels. Well, I dare say he must have been. Greco-Roman and modern professional I bet. He practically invented mixed martial arts, my friends. Of course, the question of his sexuality is brought up. What true historic investigation would be complete without it? So was he gay? Yes, of course, opines NutMustard. I can't argue with that.

I ended my history lesson with a man who still roams the fabled druidic moors of merry-old-England! His Royal Highness Prince Charles I'm looking at you!

The first thing I see is that apparently, like Britney, this man should be left alone. The poor schlub is just misunderstood. Like Will Smith to his parents, Prince Charles is a mystery - a four-dimensional quandary. Speaking of the fourth dimension, many believe he aged poorly, and that something apparently happened between 1981 and 2005. Well, he had kids folks. No father can weather the advancing exhaustion and senility that children provide. Others are concerned that he may never be king, but do not fret, for he is Aire to the Throne. He will literally host eagles at his coronation and consort with parrots. Iago will be the education Czar under Charles' rule!

Iago will be Prince Charles' Dick Cheney. Watch that bum ticker, Iago.

Jim Carrey is the new Tom Cruise

2008-12-16T09:09:00.000-08:00

The apocalypse must have occurred yesterday. Tom Cruise was on Today, acting like a crazy, but not calling Matt Lauer "glib." Shucks.

Then Jim Carrey is on Larry King talking abut how he's taking "vitamins" and won't take legitimate medication like Prozac. He even acknowledges that he's going down that Tom Cruise route. Ruh-oh.

Some transcript for ye folks:

KING: Didn't you suffer from depression?

CARREY: Yes, yes. I'm on a manic high right now. Can't you tell?

KING: How did you get through that to this?

CARREY: Well, that's another thing. You know at the risk of like opening up the whole Tom Cruise Prozac argument, you know, I don't disagree in many ways. I think Prozac and things like that are very valuable to people for short periods of time. But I believe if you're on them for an extended period of time, you never get to the problem. You never get to see what the problem is, because everything is just kind of OK. And so, you don't deal. And people deal when they get desperate.

KING: So how did you do it?

CARREY: I take supplements.

KING: Vitamins?

CARREY: Yes -- well, it's not -- well, it is vitamins. But it's also certain elements of the brain like Tyrocine (ph) and hydroxy tryptophan that they're treating depression with now. It is a natural substance that's in your brain. Instead of being a Serotonin inhibitor, which just uses the serotonin you have and Prozac and things like that -- it just uses the Serotonin you have and it doesn't allow it go back into the receptor. It metabolizes your serotonin after a while and you have to keep taking more and more to feel good.

This actually creates dopamine and creates serotonin. It's a wonderful thing. It's amazing. I'm going to talk a lot about it in the near future.

KING: You're going to write about it?

CARREY: Yes.

[Thanks, Jezebel]

Future Karaoke Partner

2008-12-16T08:11:00.000-08:00

I better run into this kid in Seoul. When I do, we're definitely karaoking together. Then he can "ram it in my thighs" and "wrestle me around."

2008-12-15T21:00:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I made posters for the silent auction taking place during the holiday party tomorrow. This is my favorite. It's an overnight stay at a Hilton (yes, luxury) in NJ. What would you do during an overnight stay for two in the middle of NJ? Jump on beds and go to the Short Hills Mall, DUH! Not bone, eat oysters and have rocks on your naked back.

I LOVE NINTENDO

2008-12-05T23:17:00.000-08:00

Bowser + "Money For Nothin'" = Gold!

I LOVE ATARI

2008-12-03T21:34:00.000-08:00

June 2009. 25 years of my life being awesome.

Visiting the Capitol Will Cause Time Travel

2008-12-01T19:14:00.001-08:00

Last weekend, I visited D.C. for the first time. Much to my mother's dismay, I did not go to see the White House or the monuments. Instead, I visited the future. The future as seen through 1980's eyes.

This is what the future looks like:

The Metro was definitely inspired by Star Wars. In fact, I'm pretty sure George Lucas invented the D.C. Metro. Inside, the cars, like the Starspeeder 3000, you'll find the floors carpeted and a calm, cool and collected voice announcing the next stop.

D.C., more precisely Bowie, Maryland (where David Bowie is in fact the mayor), unveiled the wonders of Diane Horner and country line dancing. The fine art of country line dancing was created in 1990 with the advent of jean shorts layered upon biker shorts. One day, a young Diane Horner, wearing her jean and biker shorts, entered a saloon. The older bartender with a handlebar moustache handed her a pair of cowboy boots and said, "This is your lucky day. You are my new student." "New student in what?" Diane asked. He then walked over to his jukebox and out burst the sounds of Run DMC and Billy Ray Cyrus. "Why, country hip hop dancing," he said. Upon those words, a band of brothers emerged from the saloon doors. This band would then become her backup dancers. Heidi, TJ, Susan and Jamie.

Thus this was born:

I don't know when I'll be back in D.C. again. Next time, I will make sure to bring my light saber and cowboy boots.

2008-11-18T18:13:00.000-08:00

I have a new favorite website, Ulillillia City Software.

Hours of entertainment.

Join a boy on his travels through his life of video games and dreams.

"I was otherwise very normal before I became 4 years old. When I was around 4 years old, I began playing video games with the Atari. Day in and day out often for 10+ hours a day (except school), I played the Atari and future console systems that came out. This severe addiction to video games led to at least half of my many mental problems."

Journey through his dream journal where he explains his hundreds of mud dreams (as seen below).

My life has changed thanks to this man.

He's made me reconsider showering thanks to the excerpt below.

"How often do you take showers? Once a day? Twice a day? Once every two days? How about 3 to 6 times a month? Lately, it's been just that. The reasons come down to these (in order of their impact with the worst on the top):

Serious waste of time. It takes me 45 minutes to process the task of taking a shower in full and that's with shortcuts. It takes me about 5 to 7 minutes to find and check my clothes, 25 to 35 minutes for the actual shower itself, and about 8 to 10 minutes to dry off. I then remain cold for about two hours after it so in effect, it actually takes 3 hours total. Why does it take 25 to 35 minutes for the actual shower rather than 10 to 15 minutes? For one, I have timed this and it is quite consistant so I know the 25-35 minutes value is correct. Because the temperature knobs are very touchy, it takes much longer to get the temperature set, about 3 to 5 minutes right there. Even moving the knob 1/32 of an inch causes a 3°F temperature difference at the good zone and I have to maneuver the knob to a precision on the order of 1/100 of an inch for anything reasonable and it takes a lot of effort to get it that fine. It takes me about 1 to 3 minutes to adjust to the water and get used to it. Then it's about 5 to 7 minutes for the shampoo (the full process - warming it up first (this doesn't apply during the winter) getting it out of the bottle, spreading it around and washing it off in full - I do one round at it but use quite a bit of shampoo to cover otherwise two rounds at once to speed things up). Then it's about 8 to 12 minutes of using the body wash (warming it up especially (this takes nearly twice as long as the shampoo does, a good 3 to 4 minutes), moving the shower curtains so that they don't get in the way (I use water as a paste to "glue" the sides of the tub, otherwise they get annoying and in the way adding to my time), spreading it around, then washing it off). Finally, I spend another 2 to 4 minutes rinsing off before turning off the water. Then it's about ten minutes to dry off. It actually faster to dry off without a towel than it is for me with one. The reason is that almost all towels are stained in some way and when this was going on, I noticed that 15 to 20 minutes went by to find a towel that wasn't stained. Without the towel, it takes about 10 minutes instead, yet another reduction. To help with this, I have other tricks up my sleeve for further reducing the time - squeezing the water from my hair then going top to bottom removing whatever I can. This otherwise reduces the time by about 40% of what it would normally take. I get dressed after that then spend two hours fighting to keep warm by the time I'm back to normal again. Then, quite often, my mind drifts off which quite often adds an additional 5 to 10 minutes to my shower time. This is something that's hard to prevent from doing and it occurs at any time, whether driving, using the forums, typing, working on my game, eating, watching TV, etc.. With doing this every day, the amount of "wasted time" really adds up - a whole days' worth (well, 22 1/2 hours as a grand total versus my current 3 3/4 hours per month). I can do a lot with 18 3/4 hours freed up. I can do two whole mountain ranges in my 2D game (and that's about an 1800x170 image on average). I could watch an additional 30-minute educational TV show each day with a bonus every 4th day. I could type up a story about three times longer than some of the longest stories on my website. I could update my website in my usual way with 3-weeks' worth of details (dreams and my blog mainly) and still have time to spare. That's a lot of time and it adds up.

When I need to go somewhere, my motive increases but rarely high enough to get just above neutral. With my parents complaining, it adds even more of an impact, enough to get it past neutral, adding about 4 times the impact (which turns 110 into about 220), but not as much when it comes to needing to go somewhere, even the simple grocery store. I once been without a single shower or bath for a whole month."

Paper Airplanes

2008-11-10T20:07:00.000-08:00

Fasteners are an important aspect of manufacturing. I deal with nuts and bolts at work at least once a week. Either I'm using them to test out samples of Loctite - the anaerobically-curing wunder-material that keeps fasteners together - or I'm looking through binders of materials specifications, making sure each nut has the correct thread count, inner diameter, outer diameter, composition and finish. So it came a surprise to me today to discover that Boeing just hasn't been keeping their fasteners in check. This article from Wired unveils Boeing's failure to maintain the utmost of quality control while putting together their 787 Dreamliner jet. The project has been delayed multiple times already, and the fact that the technicians drilling holes in the fuselage aren't following proper deburring procedures is only going to delay it further, sending investors into a tizzy.

So what is going on here? Why are these commonplace design choices creating delays? I have been working in manufacturing for the better part of two years now, and I witness it in my day-to-day as well. I was actually fuming with anger just reading this article. I feel like the entire economic crisis could be explained by the fact that people just don't give a damn anymore. Unfortunately, I have to realize my own hypocrisy in judging others for their day-dreaming antics, as I am a stalwart culprit of lackadaisical do-nothingness. But I have dreams! And goals! Outside of my current life! I have valid excuses! Or not. So what was distracting the guys at Boeing? Well, I started imagining what the job was like the day they were drilling into the titanium structure of the Dreamliner prototype (by the way, who the hell names a plane a Dreamliner? Are they living in some kind of homoerotic Kubrick film?) So what was it like? What kind of conversation was going on between the guys working on the plane? I imagine it went something like this:

Technician1: Dude, we were running Karazhan last night and we wiped to a bunch of trash mobs. I'm so sick of my guild. Everyone's ten years old.
Technician2: Ugh, I wish I had the time to play WoW. My wife was watching VH1 and I totally got suckered into a Rock of Love marathon. I'm already on my third cup of coffee.
T1: Ha, that show is awful. You see that Nailin' Palin video I sent you yet?
T2: Oh, yeah, totally. The wife almost caught me busting a nut on my laptop.
T1: Ouch. Oh shit, watch those holes - 3/8ths, remember?
T2: Yeah, yeah. I got it. I think I'm gonna go to Wal-mart later and get the new AC/DC album.
T1: Shit yeah. It's off the chain, man. Did you DVR LOST last night?
T2: Yeah, Locke eats the alien embryo. It's kinda distur-
T1: SPOILER ALERT!!! C'mon, I don't want to hea-
T2: The fucking struts dude. I swear to God, Big Luke is gonna come down here and beat our asses.
T1: Ha, I'd like to see him try. He's only a level 35 Paladin.
T2: Noob.
T1: Totes.
T2: Ok, looks like we're good here. Just force the nuts tight 'cause these holes aren't perfect.
T1: Yeah, fuck it. Just like Tila Tequila.

American manufacturing crumbles under the weight of election-themed pornography and massively multiplayer online gaming. I shed tears of nonchalance. I'm a big proponent of both.

Re: Keep it Secret. Keep it Safe.

2008-11-10T18:57:00.000-08:00

In response to awesome things, I made this cat video set to kitten-making music.

Keep it Secret. Keep it Safe.

2008-11-10T15:09:00.001-08:00

Every time I feel antsy about the loads of work and travel these next two months will bring, I should just watch this. The final product is always an awesome thing to experience and take part in. And as a double-edged sword, 2nd year Pennsport has to march following these guys:

Just Let Me Be Your Fag Hag, Anderson Cooper

2008-11-04T18:02:00.000-08:00

My love for Anderson Cooper only increases by the day. The fact that he enjoys Real Housewives of Atlanta as much as I do, well, that means we're meant to be.

New Study States Obvious: Teenagers Having Sex

2008-11-03T19:23:00.000-08:00

This week, scientists emerged from their cavernous labs with a new study finding that teenagers that watch “sexy” TV are more likely to have sex. Aside from the question of which groups fund studies like this and the infamous Daily Targum study that showed spring break increases STIs, I wonder what is sexy to teenagers today. Frank Caliendo? Stuffed crust pizza?

I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure the following does increase the likeliness of a teeanger boning:

- The Jonas Brothers: Nothing screams sex like diabeetus. Wilford Brimley would know. Nick Jonas, unofficial spokesman for diabetes sufferers, increases the insulin dangerously high for many young girls. As many know, an increase in blood sugar, mean increases in boning. Just last week, Nick Jonas had casual encounter-type offers from over 10,000 girls, but don’t bother diabeetus sufferers – Nick’s wearing his abstinence ring. As for his two brothers, Kevin and Joe, they only mildly increase teens’ blood sugars. Sure, their voices and beats get the kids bumpin’ on the dance floor, but blood sugars remain somewhat consistent. It's all about Nick.

- Twilight: Since Shadow of a Vampire with dreamy Willem Dafoe, teenagers everywhere have pledged their virginity to vampires. In the Twilight series, a slew of teenage vampires flies and drinks blood in a dark and always-cloudy town. One of them falls in love with a human. These vampires, already hot thanks to their inability to tan, are even hotter upon discovery of their vegetarianism. Moody, pale vegetarians. Sounds like he’s from Williamsburg.

I haven’t read Twilight but NuttyMadam3575, my favorite YouTube celebrity, sums up why teenagers cream their pants when in the vicinity of a vampire.

- Fear Street: Teenagers love reading books. When I was in middle school, I read a lot of Fear Street. This is how I learned about making out in the backseats of cars and murderous twin sisters. Nowadays, when scouring the Young Adult section of the library, all the Fear Street books seem to be taken out. Thanks to titles like The Boy Next Door and Double Date, teenagers now know how to not only spot the town serial killer (usually driving a Pontiac Firebird or Camaro), but they also know how to get into his backseat and accidentally get to second base.

- New Kids on the Block: Whoa. NKOTB always had the right stuff. They had the right stuff when I was five and they have it again, now that I’m not five. Sure, when I was five, I was a fan of prepubescent Joey McIntyre. I could relate to him with the whole voice not having cracked yet. Now, teenagers love Donnie Wahlberg. It’s all about street credit with these kids, and who has more than the older brother of Marky Mark? Growing up on the tough streets of Boston, he learned how to create his own Molotov cocktails and curse during awards shows. He didn’t need to learn how to sing – he was born with the gift. Teenagers love badasses, they always have. Vampires, James Dean and now Donnie Wahlberg. Ladies Love the Wahlberg. What’s more exciting is that Donnie is a divorced daddy, a d.d. For the girl with no daddy growing up, a d.d. will help teach her how to love and do the “Hangin’ Tough” dance.

LoLz Thyme

2008-10-26T20:23:00.000-07:00

The DaVinci Code Redux starring Tom Hanks and Tom Hanks, Jr.

With a cameo by the Mona Lisa.

Directed by Tom Hanks, Sr.

[Thanks to Sarah for finding this gem]

Sucka MC Whaaa

2008-10-15T19:02:00.000-07:00

Best rap-off ever - especially everything after 2:00.

JCVD Will Not Allow Stevie Seagal To Cut His Hair

2008-10-14T19:42:00.000-07:00

The current financial crisis may all put us to tears (even though the market jumped back up 900 points yesterday then back down today), but at least Jean Claude Van Damme is lighting up the mood. JCVD, as we on the streets like to call him, is starring in his own mockudrama, JCVD. WWJCVDD? He would rob a bank because he lost a role to Stevie Seagal. Oh the mama-drama-dramamine!

It's a Dickie, Dick.

2008-10-09T15:12:00.000-07:00

Croakies are so last summer. This fall the hottest fashion I have ever witnessed is going to make a comeback in a huge way. The dickie! Let's face it people - the recession is hitting us hard, and things are getting tough. Don't let your workplace steal the shirt off your back, just let them have your shirt - by investing heavily in that fashionable, cheap alternative.

Got sweaters, cardigans, t-shirts that need a little sprucing up? Just buy the adult bib - the DICKIE!

I'm seriously going to start wearing these. They are like 10 bucks a pop. Daddy needs to save some dough.

Randy Quaid Loves 'Em

2008-10-08T19:17:00.001-07:00

So I'm trying to put together this documentary on online dating amongst recently post-college grads. The consensus is that online dating just isn't working for them. Whether it's sexymami69 getting scared and not replying back or pre-written messages along the lines of "U R Cute. eMail me for reasons y u should d8 me."

Videos should be up soon. Well as soon as I find a computer with Windows XP (since I was dumb enough to buy a camcorder that only loaded onto that).

I did find this great Craiglist ad tonight.

As I write, I'm doing my research on the apocalypse in order to defray this guy's rent.

Dour Hour

2008-10-08T15:20:00.000-07:00

I finish up my lunch and head out to the car. I light a cigarette and come around the parking lot of the Wendy's, headed towards my haunt - the mid-day oasis for young moms and the jobless - the shopping center and its Wal-mart.

As I pass the pet store, the freshly-installed, plastic speed bumps slow me down and afford me a view of the denizens there. Mostly sloths and retirees. Old men with POW hats, bird-lovers - the worst - and other apparent haggard nobodies.

I'm the worst, though. Slowly driving past windows, staring at the people doing their thing, waiting to see some old broad with a nice rack or a fat ass. I slow down and wait for a woman to walk past with her baby carriage. As another car approaches I imagine it barreling past, knocking her down, sprawled out on the pavement.

I feel the need to judge others before they do the same to me. I hate who I am on my days off. But I'm not much better during the workaday week.

Mr. President, Have Pity on the Working Man

2008-10-06T15:04:00.000-07:00

So according to this article, Stephen Colbert is still running for president - in the Marvel universe - at least, and has a good chance of being elected. I don't know how I feel about this. I always felt that most fictional presidents and leaders are hokey. The U.S. presidents resident in Marvel's past, as well as most displayed in the realm of comic books and film, are for the most part un-interesting, un-interested mirrors of their current real-world dopplegangers. I started thinking about some of my favorite fictional presidents/leaders, and also some of my most hated, instead of the standard, milque-toast, do-nothings.

Dick Nixon - President, Watchmen

Tricky Dick is more in the shadows than on the front page, his likeness only hinted at through the disconcerting graffiti littering the streets of Watchmen's New York. After killing the hell out of The Vietnam War, Dick's long-ass presidency (after abolishing the two-term limit) represents the neo-conservative values represented by the extremist characters populating the book. Perhaps I liked this portrayal of fictional leadership so much because there was only a hint of his leadership and decisions.

The Mayor - Ghostbusters, Ghostbusters II

A great leader who makes the right choices when necessary. He may need some pushing to do it, but he doesnt stall like so many other leaders would. When it comes down to it, he lets loose his rallying cry, "GET ME THE GHOSTBUSTERS!" His lackeys are the ones responsible for the mistakes made in arresting or holding up the Ghostbusters from getting work done, whether it be the EPA's Walter Wick, or the mayor's personal lackey in the sequel. As a foil for our universe's W., his advisors are the bumbling idiots - not the man himself.

Tim Robbins - President, Austin Powers II

Tim Robbins would never be elected president. The reason? Smarm. The guy is so smarmy it even oozes out of his paramour, Susan Sarandon's ears. He's so smarmy, jelly companies hatch plots to bottle the stuff. He lays it on much too thick when he laughs in the face of Evil.

Bonus Inanity - Robbins also plays puppet president, Norville Barnes, of Hudsucker Industries in the under-appreciated Hudsucker Proxy. Either way, he plays moronic, hubris-filled presidents, who would be out of luck if it weren't for British mystery men or magical janitors.

Geena Davis - President, That Show Where She Was President

I never even watched the show, but whatever alternate earth American population voted her into office must have been the most brain-dead populace since the civilians of Idiocracy. Who would think a snobby, goofy, fly/alien-loving psychopath could be president. She's unfortunately a step up from a moose-dressing, aerial wolf-hunting vp candidate we all know and love in this universe.

Dr. Zaius - Senate Counsellor - Planet of the Apes

Terrible. He represents all that is oppressive and evil in leadership. Close-minded, panicky, an ape. The list goes on. When Dr. Zaius accompanies Taylor to an unearthed cave within which are found human dolls, he scoffs and suggests that the dolls are merely ape toys. Even in the face of pure fact - would apes make a
doll....THAT TALKS!? - he reasons within his own worldview. If only we could blame apes today for global warming.

I was going to list some more, but I figured I'd let some commenters give their ideas. (I was going to mention President Camacho from Idiocracy but it would have been too easy. So what do you guys think? Any fictional leaders more inspiring than Morgan Freeman in Deep Impact?

And Now, Fun with Wikipedia.

2008-10-03T21:23:00.000-07:00

Andrew Ridgely, (the other guy from WHAM!) was given the nickname "Osama bin Laden" by his golfing friends.

I guess he looks like Osama bin Laden? I don't really get it.

David Duchovny. Teacher. Lover. Porn Addict.

2008-10-03T20:23:00.000-07:00

This week we had our "summer bbq" at work. I watched on in silence, conversing only with my boss and one co-worker from the lab. I just feel so out of place there. I don't know if it's the fact that I hate everyone or that I am stranger than everyone there. I just don't feel like I fit in. The standard boys' club that exists at companies like this will never be my home. I did win a Chili's gift card. American industry has succeeded.

I am finally caught up with Californication. I enjoy the show, it's kind of a mindless entertainment most of the time, except for the fact that the last episode taught me about the ass-licker, the third wheel of the pornographic menage a trois. Other than originally conjuring up the image of the Licker from Resident Evil 2 and the nightmares my high school self used to have of that image, it reminded me a lot of the geek, the nerd, the Baxter. It actually was kind of heart-warming to imagine that even porn stars can feel out of place when they don't have the pleasure of being the leading dick-taker.

Of Nuculear Weapons and Joey B.

2008-10-02T20:08:00.000-07:00

What I hoped would be a train wreck, instead turned out to be dull VP debate with only a few intermittent gems (i.e. Gwen Ifill and her coat). Edscott (in white) and I (in yellow) aim'd (or whatever you kids call it nowadays) the Biden/Palin non-showdown for your amusement:

Bad Photoshoppin' with People Magazine!

2008-09-23T16:07:00.000-07:00

Ugh. Finally. I can sleep easily now.

2008-09-15T16:13:00.000-07:00

You know what will help this failing economy?

Tim and Eric!

Here's a really great interview featuring my favorite Beaver Boys and my favorite skit below.

Also, on a completely different note, I need your help. Currently, I'm trying to put together a documentary about online dating. This means that I need subjects. Right now, I have two, but I need more. I'll pay for one month's subscription to your choice of dating site if I can film/interview you at least once a week. Bonus points if you're gay. E-mail me if you're interested.

WWJCVDD? Probably Listen to This Song in His SUV

2008-09-11T19:40:00.000-07:00

I try to keep in touch with my friends.

Special Delivery via Gootmail

2008-09-09T19:38:00.000-07:00

I finally received a copy of the Steve Guttenberg interview from the Oct. 1986 issue of Playgirl.

It is with great pleasure that I share this gem with you.

Note: Since I don't have a scanner at home and I've received complaints about the size of the article, I'll re-scan tomorrow. But for Safari users - all 4 of us - you can use the handy magnifying glass to read the article!

Gossip LoLz Grl

2008-09-04T19:27:00.000-07:00

Some are Gossip Girl related. Others not so much. A note about the rape kitchen photo. For those who don't watch GG, otherwise known as one of the best shows on TV, Chuck Bass tries raping Serena in the kitchen. Hence rape kichun. *Tada*

Next week, I'll post some Adventures in Craigslisting and Things on My Bucket List. I found a mole on my abdomen and it's been there for the longest time. Thing is, it just recently started getting bigger and looking kind of like a penis. Got me to thinking: What if it was cancerous and what if I, like Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson, had a few days to live. Still working out the final details of my own bucket list.

2008-09-04T18:36:00.000-07:00

I'm working on some Gossip Girl LoLz pictures (which should be up soon). But before I finish that, listen to our podcast, Blackout Breakfast, on hearnewbrunswick.com. You don't need to sign up for an account to listen. I suggest listening to August 23's or August 30's (even though I wasn't on).

60 Nations Contribute!

2008-09-02T19:08:00.001-07:00

Science & Hip-Hop Co-existing. Light's dual nature of existing as particle and wave couldn't better be analogized than by the combination of hard research and goofy rap.

Fall Madness - can I make it out alive?

2008-09-02T17:25:00.000-07:00

This fall marks another great season for videogame releases. Last fall was pretty intense with the releases of BioShock, (can August count?) Halo 3, Rock Band, Orange Box, Skate, Call of Duty 4, and countless others. I nearly broke the bank last year with my collection, but owning two consoles and two handheld systems will do that to you. Without further ado, I present my list of most-wanted games - basically a wish-list of what I wish I could afford or have the time to give their due play-time.

10. GEARS OF WAR 2 (XBOX 360)

I am not the hugest fan of Gears of War and its now-generic gameplay, but everyone who owns a 360 will own Gears 2, and gaming most definitely follows that old bridge-jumping adage. At least when multi-player is concerned.

9. LEFT 4 DEAD (XBOX 360)

Zombies and video games go bloody hand in bloody hand. They are like a gruesome Romeo and Juliet in adolescent (and matured) minds. I loved Team Fortress 2, (though I took too long to get into it) and this game by TF2 developer, Valve, shouldn't disappoint. I plan to jump right into this game around release time in hopes of catching up with large portions of gamers who have gut-spewing teamwork as their goal.

8. SAM & MAX: SEASON ONE (Wii)

Nostalgia plays its heavy hand on this one, as I recall my youth on the family's first PC, playing the original LucasArts adventure games. Day of the Tentacle and Indiana Jones & The Fate of Atlantis were quickly surpassed in my heart by these two freelance police, who are the equivalent of the Odd Couple in the bodies of a talking dog and an insane lagomorph. Though developed by Tell-tale Games, and only a re-release of their episodic content for the PC, I look forward to finally getting to play this in a living room where snacks and friends abound.

7. ROCK BAND 2 (XBOX 360)

Who doesn't want more Rock Band? The Bosstones have a song in this game, which really makes me hope for some more ska tracks as downloadable content, and maybe the eventual Ska Hero. Although I am sure I would finally get to look down on people when viewing aspiring musicians playing plastic saxophones, much like guitar players scoff at those wailing on their polyethylene fret-boards.

6. SILENT HILL: HOMECOMING (XBOX 360)

One of my favorite series of games is in its fifth iteration. Unfortunately, Konami handed development duties over to The Collective, an American developer with little past work. Some of the early opinions of the game are negative, but perhaps uncalled for. The series excels in its surreal in-game horror, and only in one of the games, (Silent Hill 2) did story exceed that axiom. I am hopeful that The Collective won't disappoint and the newly introduced combat-oriented gameplay will succeed at making the game more intuitive and perhaps help the scares hit like they haven't before.

5. GHOSTBUSTERS: THE VIDEO GAME (XBOX 360)

It's fucking Ghostbusters. Enough said.

4. MIRROR'S EDGE (XBOX 360)

So a game focused on the fatal footwork of parkour could be horrible or brilliant. There is no middle ground here, at least not in my mind. I hope that the combat actually works, but I may be too busy paying attention to the exhilarating environments. The piercing white skyline with lines of color is going to at least look amazing, if not play so.

3. DEAD SPACE (XBOX 360)

If Silent Hill: Homecoming fails me, I still have this possible gem from EA for which to look forward. A game combining the horrors of past survival action games with the cinematic likenesses of Sunshine, Event Horizon and Aliens will be hard-pressed to fail on all cylinders, at least for me. I really look forward to this, especially with the news that comic writer, Warren Ellis, is behind at least part of the story of the game. Positive reviews of the gameplay in demo versions of the game also reinvigorate my need to grab this game day one.

2. DRAGON QUEST IV (NINTENDO DS)

Dragon Warrior IV was one of the first games I begged my parents to get me for the original NES. I spent a year playing that game, overcoming the difficulties of the tradition jRPG and coming to terms with my third grade knowledge and gaming abilities. I had reached the final boss when my brother eventually deleted my game save in a terrible accident that left me heartbroken. The NES broke shortly thereafter and I was never able to convince myself to beat the game in emulation on PC. Its appearance on the DS could almost bring a tear to my eye. I will finally finish a journey I began at the age of 11. So much for not finishing what I start, huh, Mom and Dad!?

1. FABLE II (XBOX 360)

Fable. Ahhhh, Fable. I played the original Fable on my roommate's XBOX in college and I enjoyed the heck out of it. Fortunately, not being an XBOX gamer back then, I missed out on most of the pomposity Peter Molyneux put behind the game when touting it as the largest and best RPG ever made. A tight little RPG it was, though. Both funny and touching, and not overly complex, never simple; the game took on a life of its own. Watching Peter Molyneux retread the same hubris he displayed those years ago for the sequel just makes me laugh - I know that no matter how it comes out, I am going to enjoy the little things in the game that make me laugh, and make me love gaming.

That's the list. It's daunting, for sure, and many more games are on my radar for the fall. Some of those include the remake of Chrono Trigger, Fallout 3, Banjo Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts, De Blob, Wario Land and Animal Crossing. I have a tough fall ahead, and hopefully this list will keep me on track with some less spending than in previous gaming onslaughts. If nothing else, you all have a good idea list for me for the upcoming Gifting Events.

Snapshots of the Midwest

2008-08-27T18:56:00.001-07:00

My friend Sarah just took a road trip through the Midwest. She put up some pictures up on Facebook, and because they're so great, I'm going to share some with you. The comments are all her own, by the way.

Now some photos from Roswell and the UFO museum:

What I have learned through these and other photos is that the Midwest, just as I thought, is still creepy, racist and sad.

Nevertheless, I want to take a road trip soon. I may just use money Playgirl is giving me to fund this adventure.

My Adventures in Iron-Onz!

2008-08-26T20:39:00.001-07:00

I'm going to start making shirts/hoodies/zip-ups and sell them on Etsy.

Here are some ideas for iron ons:

If anyone is mildly interested in getting a shirt/hoodie/zip-up, let me know.

More iron-ons to come.

Also, I should have a Misadventures in Craigslisting story soon.

P.S. David Hasselhoff just said that some tap dancing group was as "American as the Olympics" on his freak show, America's Got Talent.

Adventures in Craigslist

2008-08-18T18:18:00.000-07:00

Checking Craiglist is a daily task for me. Brushing teeth, showering and checking Craigslist - the three most important things in my day. Today, in the New York Jobs sections, I probably stumbled upon the best possible job for a fledgling screenwriter.

"Nouveau celeb" Jimmy Lloyd needs someone to write a Roadhouse-esque script for his music video, "Cop Bar." When I first saw this listing, I thought, Copland with Sylvester Stallone! Hey, Sylvester Stallone would do this music video, since he's now the face of Russian vodka! He needs money! Much to my chagrin, "Cop Bar" has little to do with Copland. Sharing his name with a former British boxer (maybe he is the former British boxer?), the very humble, "nouveau celeb" Jimmy Lloyd's original song is about a non-cop who stumbles into a, yes, cop bar. Chairs will fly because you see, every time a non-cop enters a cop-bar, shit goes down. So apparently, different from other times, shit goes down because the non-cop gets the pretty lady, who I'm assuming has to be a cop. See, listening to "Cop Bar" on from self-proclaimed heir to Bruce Springsteen's throne, not only bought me to tears, but I discovered that cops go to cop bars. I dismissed the other two lines of repeating lyrics, but I'm assuming some more enlightening information about the police was revealed. With this song, listeners will learn someone is in a cop bar. And that Jimmy Lloyd (possible relative of famed DeLorean/time machine maker, Christopher Lloyd) wants to go to a cop bar with someone. I'm not sure if I want to enter any cop bars without the presence of Sylvester Stallone in a sheriff hat or Christopher Lloyd.

Look, Bruce needs to stop dancing in the dark. He needs to make room in the cop bar for Jimmy Lloyd.

Note to Jimmy Lloyd: You should consider getting a non-hotmail e-mail account.

Movies makin' movies

2008-08-17T19:37:00.000-07:00

A magical possibility was released upon my life and my other lives this week.

James Franco revealed that a Superbad/Pineapple Express crossover may occur. According to an interview with MTV News, he said that the studios wanted to do a Superbad sequel. One of the ideas was to do a crossover film with two directors and characters from both films meeting. I peed myself upon reading that statement. Since Seth Rogen plays different characters in both, one character would have to die, Franco suggested.

I say leave them both in. Lots of costume/facial hair changes, but Rogen could totally do it. It'd add an ounce of camp. Officer Michaels, his cop character from Superbad, wouldn't even have to play a big role in the film, but show up for a few scenes. They did this in an episode of Full House when Uncle Jessie's cousin, Stavros, shows up. The heavily-accented Stavros was hairier and had horrible teeth, which helped differentiate him from Uncle Jesse. [Aside: This episode taught me that visiting Greek cousins will take advantage of your kindness and hospitality. No more Greek guests, thank you very much].

Seth Rogen could take a cue from Full House and start writing this dream movie of mine. I formulated some possible ideas for the temporarily titled: Superbad 2: Riding the Pineapple Express.

It takes place during the summer after the first year of college. Seth, Evan and Fogel are back home with tales of promiscuous college hijinks. Evan didn't get much further with Becca and Seth never got much further with Jules. Don't worry - both girls are home for the summer! The first weekend back, the boys decide to throw a party at Fogel's house - much to his dismay. So what does a good party need? Beer, boobs and weed! Fogel still has his McLovin' license, and the boys plead with him to try again. So of course, he does. On his way to the liquor store, who should he run into but Officer Slater and Officer Michaels! They recognize McLovin', interrogate him a bit, but let him buy his booze. Fogel asks them who they could score weed from. With much apprehension, they reveal that they buy their weed from...Saul!

This all takes place in L.A. or somewhere in the area. They take a ride to visit Saul, and who should be there upon arrival but Dale Denton and Saul, who are bonding over The Jeffersons. Good chatter goes on about the Jeffersons and other 70s sitcoms, until the Superbad boys get their weed and invite the Pineapple Express guys to the party. Saul was supposed to give them the shabby stuff, but they get pineapple express instead.

I'm still weeding out the second half of the movie. I'll put the other half of the plot up this week, but some images for this upcoming movie:

The rule of three?

2008-08-11T18:44:00.000-07:00

I really wanted to write about this new Special Olympics-boycotting-Ben-Stiller's-Tropic-Thunder hoopla, but Amelie on AVClub beat me to it. I didn't see her article until I started writing about Ben Stiller. Sometimes, I think Amelie and I the same person.

Then I wanted to address the rule of three (three deaths that is). First Bernie Mac (death by pneumonia) then Isaac Hayes (death by Xenu). Now scientists are suggesting that Samuel L. Jackson will be next to die because of this photographic evidence:

Scientists and others of the ilk (i.e. Devon Sawa and his predecessors from Final Destination 1-3) say that Samuel L. Jackson will be next. Experts unearthed this photo just yesterday. Even though it shows the three stars of the upcoming Soul Men, the red writing only appeared after Hayes's soul was taken by Xenu.

The scientists and this Samuel-L.-Jackson-dying-next theory are so wrong. You see, you've got a comedian/actor and singer dead. Another actor can't die - this just wouldn't follow the rules. At first, I thought artist, maybe the next to go is an artist. Basquiat could maybe be the missing link. Maybe we can find a time machine, bring him to today, and then he could die again. Unfortunately, this may be a bit difficult. Then it came to me.

Jesse Jackson!

He so is the next to go. Hardly revered and totally a hater of ice cream, Obama and all things good, Jesse Jackson's totally next.

See. Here he's scowling. He knows that death is after him. He's scowling death. He thinks he can beat it. Pssh, Devon Sawa didn't beat it.

Now he's on the phone. On the phone with Clinton? Nah, he's on the phone with death.

And here's final proof Jesse's next:

New Line Cinema is coming out with a new Final Destination.

On a completely different non-morbid note, we need to help this guy out. He's look for the best diarrhea stories. Of course, it's unpaid. So this dude may totally run with your great poop story and make a hit movie out of it starring Dave Arquette and Jason Biggs. Now that I think about this Craigslist posting, maybe not that great.

Please...Forget About Me.

2008-08-09T17:29:00.000-07:00

So JC Penny has put out an homage, in the form of commercial, to The Breakfast Club. I will be straightforward. I never liked the Breakfast Club. I could never sit through it. I'm sorry that I was raised on films like Fletch and Ghostbusters, and didn't have time for pop trash. It also, in my opinion, portrays a generation to which I maintain no ties. I was in high school in the late 90s, with no emotional attachment to these hooligans that occupied Shermer High School 15 years prior, regardless of how badly marketers want me to shed tears and cash for their products.

Furthermore, the film suffers from a common plague of 80s cinema: fabricated teen-dom. John Hughes wrote the movie when he was in his 30s, a far cry from understanding the ins & outs of high school melodrama/fashion. I don't think I could even write about high school today, at the ripe age of twenty-four. Most of 80s cinema dealing with high school is rife with this disease. Just today, while watching the John Candy comedy, Summer Rental, I realized this egregious commonality. Kerri Green a.k.a. Andy from the Goonies, meets up with a young man, who shares her affinity for giant headphones. Together they tune into the same radio station (WHAM 104) and chill out to the sweet tunes of Kenny Loggins "Footloose." Together as one gyrating musical abomination, they shimmy into the movie theater. Until somebody with a time machine comes straight from 1985 and shows me two teens actually doing this within earshot and eyesight of other human beings, I will consider this poor re-enactment of teen-dom as just that - fabricated teen-dom. Breakfast Club is as much a culprit of this same crime. I am sure that very few people ever broke out into dance during detention, or poured an entire pixie stick on their sandwich.

Anyway, just watch the clip. JC Penny is obviously trying to tap into some vestige of 80s nostalgia with this blatant, yet competently filmed, commercial. In fact, I would suggest that this commercial is as stimulating and well-plotted as all of Breakfast Club.

The only redeeming glimmer of hope I can possibly muster in my jaded spirit is that perhaps JC Penny is marketing it exactly as they want to - only people who appreciate this rip-off and feel nostalgia towards it would wear their clothing. But I think I would be giving them too much credit.

Post-script: What bothers me most about my condemnations is that I maintain secret delights and appreciation for the campy trash that my generation produced - American Pie, Road Trip, Scream, etc. Maybe the argument, "you just had to be there," is stronger than quality and taste.

Post Post-script: When fruitlessly attempting to find that scene with Kerri Green and her boy-toy dancing to "Footlose," I found this little gem:

Of Wizards and Hot Water

2008-08-07T20:52:00.001-07:00

Ahhh, I haven't blogged in forever. The whole blog is just a blur of Liz posts about Ghost Dads, Joose, and robots. With Liz covering the topics of technology, alcohol and the paranormal, what do I have left?

I just moved into a new apartment. I will use that as my excuse for not blogging in a while, plus I had left my laptop at home for about a week. Every afternoon has been a mad rush to get things done, which is really healthy for me, especially when I am usually much more sedentary. One afternoon, I espied a shirtless villain jumping in our driveway. I had to get sushi further up the street, so I kept driving, but that image was constant. A frumpy, thirty-something psychopath dancing and accomplishing tai chi with some kind of wooden stick. His jump kicks were fire in my very brain. I returned home, praying that my quixotic, downstairs neighbor didn't fight windmills and side mirrors daily. I hoped even more that he didn't accomplish these acts in eyesight of neighbors and poor, un-witting civilians, who need not the terrors of white lightning; burning off its second wind by playing with a wooden sword.

I was wrong. The honks and the yelps from passersby have only affirmed to me this past week that we live above a major weirdo. I got a closer look at the sword when returning home yesterday. He took time out from his regimen to explain to me why the hot water doesn't work, which of course he knows nothing about. The rigors of plumbing and heating are not eminent in the mind of a karate wizard/mystery man.

Coldplay is Not the Worst Band in the World

2008-08-07T18:43:00.001-07:00

Liking Coldplay is a very normie (or normal people) thing. Listening to Coldplay, liking Dane Cook, hanging out at sports bars and liking What Dreams May Come - all things normies like. Outside of that normie circle, readily admitting to liking Coldplay isn't that easy of a thing. Most conversations that occur about the band usually involve one of the two following phrases: "Secretly, I kinda like them" or "It's a guilty pleasure." I've used both.

I'm ready to come out of the secretly-liking-Coldplay closet.

Coldplay, you're not that bad. In fact, I think I kinda, sorta like you.

Sure, Zach Braff (pretty annoying) used a song in his even more annoying movie. Yes, they sound a lot like Travis and every other band in that genre, but I still don't hate them.

Their songs - catchy, easy to sing along to, not all that deep or memorable at times. But their influences, pretty darn good. My Bloody Valentine, Johnny Cash and Arcade Fire. They sampled Kraftwerk!?! They have good taste in music.

They try to advocate for a cause. Chris Martin's all about Fair Trade and drawing that symbol on his hand all the time. Amnesty International is also a big favorite of theirs.

Finally, they haven't totally succumbed to the man. Gatorade, Coke and Gap have asked them for rights to their song, but they didn't sell. But, they managed to sell their newest song to Apple recently. Selling their song to Apple may not be a complete sellout. At least it's not a car commercial (which Spoon and Beulah have unfortunately done). Thanks for not selling out completely.

On a completely different note, my sister helped me think of a million dollar idea. One day, I'd like to own a bar. She suggested I open a bar where people blog. A blog bar.

[Writer's note: This post is completely half-assed. I apologize. See, I started with a great post in mind, but I started complaining. I complained to people on the Internetz then I complained to my sister irl. Now my sister's asleep on my couch. The lesson here is to not complain or siblings will fall asleep on your makeshift bed. Forgiveness lies in the clip below. Enjoy].

2008-08-05T20:22:00.001-07:00

EEE! Succumbed to more technology. One step closer to becoming a total Internetz nerd.

Is Twitter TMI?

Ghostwriterrrrrr

2008-08-04T20:18:00.001-07:00

Note: Ghostwriter actually appeared as a yellow streak, so it's not pee in the image but my meager rendition of Ghostwriter.

Everyday I see new posts for ghostwriters on Craigslist. Every ghostwriter position (or writing other people's memoirs/novels/etc. without the use of your name) requires that you have experience ghostwriting, but how do you get your foot in the ghost writing biz? Who do you approach to become a ghostwriter? Your mother, teacher, Clint Howard (Ron Howard's significantly more awkward sibling)? I'd like to ghostwrite an urban novel - take my skillz to the streetz. But if Ghost Dad needs a ghostwriter, I'm there.

Speaking of writing, living in the suburbs sometimes produces great ideas for movie material. I want to write either a short story or movie about the former alcoholic security guard who works at the pool. He lives with two cats, says crude things about women and leaves the air conditioning on for his cats. Once a former cop, he had his badge taken away before trying to drink and drive. Now he works as a part-time security guard at a development pool. Think Ed Harris. With cats. He lusts after the younger girls at the pool, but no Lolitaesque affair.

2008-08-01T19:49:00.001-07:00

Love Goot's Cosby sweater. Funny that only 1/3 of the Goot's descriptive title applies today.

Old News: Playgirl will probably be folding in January. Funny that Mediabistro did a "How to Pitch to Playgirl" piece just yesterday.

Luckily, my article on first date sex will still be published.

I knew a few weeks ago that they'd probably be folding. But I wasn't sure if I could tell everyone about them possibly folding. Feels good knowing something before Gawker blogged about it.

Things of Importance Right Now

2008-07-31T18:25:00.000-07:00

iTunes

Right now, the first Watchmen chapter is free to download until August 2. Not sure how the movie is going to pan out - I have my doubts about Zak Penn. Even though the graphic novel roolz, look what Brett Ratner did with X3.

Doug, Clarissa and Aaahhh Real Monsters are a few of the beloved childhood Nick shows up now on iTunes. Childhood is smacking me in the face right now, and I don't hate it. Pretty excited about seeing Rugrats and Hey Dude up also. Driving the other day, I thought of Chuckie Finster and how much I can relate to him. Alas, only a few episodes of each show are up, but at least the Doug episodes with the Beets are up.

Joose

Just got the best e-mail about a Joose competition. Joose is looking for people to write a song or create a commercial that doesn't promote underage drinking, drinking and driving or any other "lewd acts," but it must "promote the responsible consumption of Joose." Winners receive Joose merch and a sponsorship deal. Now, Steph, Edscott and I have been working on this all year - for free. We acted as Joose marketers on our good will, but now we have the possibility of payment in the form of Joose merch. Wow. I'm one step closer to my temporary dream of becoming a jingle writer.

This is What It's Like When Steve Guttenberg and Robots Collide

2008-07-30T18:52:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my short commute, I don't get to listen to the radio as much anymore. Today, WNYC was about to do a report on robots with emotion, but I already arrived to work so I didn't hear it. My ears perked after hearing the phrase "robots with emotion" because I'm pretty sure that I know a few robots. But ones with emotion, I'm not sure.

Here's the story. The gist is that a guy with a soul patch created Heart Robot, which reacts emotionally depending on how others act towards him. Unfortunately, the exhibit in London (so farrrrrr) attracts lots of bullies that make it clench its fists and heart race. Stupid kids. People say he's a cross between Gollum and ET. I beg to differ - I say a lamb and cuter version of Furby.

More great news came in the form of Steve Guttenberg. The Observer decided to revisit the Goot with an interview sequel. Not as good as the previous, but the Goot is as krah-zee as ever. Actually, turns out he may have smudged a few details in his previous interview. My favorite line:

"In our first interview, Mr. Guttenberg had said he’d dated 600 women. (The day the article appeared, he received an e-mail from a woman that read, “Let’s make it 601. Call me for a drink.”) Now he thinks it’s more like 300." Parents, lock your daughters up. The Goot's loose.

Raising the Roof

2008-07-29T18:20:00.000-07:00

If Richard Simmons were in my life, everyday would be a party. He'd be my alarm clock. He'd awake me at 6:30 and we'd jazzercise together- maybe go out for a jog. Who needs an iPod when Richard Simmons could sing the oldies to you instead?

For my birthday, can someone please rent him out for at least 5 minutes? I want to bask in his super posi-ness.

Burn After Reading looks so good. Brad Pitt, probably the first time I will ever say this, looks really impressive. Casting him as a meathead and pairing him with John Malkovich may just be one of the best Coen moves ever. At this point, the Coen Brothers can do no wrong.

Larry David!

2008-07-28T20:42:00.001-07:00

I combined my two favorite things in the above photo - Jewish cats and Larry David.

Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 6 came in the mail this weekend. I was lucky enough to have a hangover keep me in the house on Sunday - keep me in the house to watch Larry David. He could definitely belong in our group of friends. I'd like to see him with some Joose.

First episode of the season, "Meet the Blacks," Larry and Cheryl adopt a family that lost their home in the hurricane. The Blacks are black. Of course, the first thing Larry says is, "So your last name is Black...That's like if my last name was Jew - Larry Jew."

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People I Never Want to Befriend

2008-07-25T12:07:00.000-07:00

Reasons why women are horrible:

Brides are making their bridesmaids get Botox.

Women give you more reason to hate your body. Right now, you should be hating your arm pits.

I hope to never be friends with these kind of women.

Lifetime, Wow!

2008-07-25T11:14:00.001-07:00

Best new website find this week. This beats Chuck's ideas.

Why haven't I thought of grading Lifetime movies earlier?

2-in-1 Shampoo + Conditioner

2008-07-24T17:49:00.000-07:00

Failure. I'm a big proponent of failure. Failing comes naturally to me. I was only about a month into my new job, trying to impress my fellow lab rats, and I look down at my shoes. One pair brown with laces. The other - a very different shade of brown, and no laces. I am sure people have noticed. I decide to nervously tell a co-worker, a God, a Promethean man - whose inhuman, perfectionist qualities I have yet to discover. I jest that some of the best and brightest minds of the 20th century displayed the very same haphazard fashion sensibilities. Jesus Christ! Richard Feynman walked around backwards! Einstein wore dresses! Neils Bohr was a dick! My lies only illustrate my shallow self-conscience.

Today is not much different. My lab smock is covered in dried up adhesives, potting materials and iron filings. I can't remember the last time I brushed my hair. It sits on my head like a dog turd on a garbage pail lid. I have poppy seeds - fallen from their bagel fortresses - covering a dusty desk. I have become Denis Nedry, and I don't even get to work with Samuel L. Jackson, let alone steal dinosaur DNA from classified rooms.

I realize I am only in competition with myself, but it's really tough for a greasy-haired mouth-breather who had to use 2-in-1 shampoo + conditioner this morning.

The Comb-Over Mullet

2008-07-24T10:11:00.000-07:00

I've been really into the word "mull" lately. While g-chatting today, I told someone to mull over something. Then we started making up words with "mull" until we came to the mull et plan. It's basically a 401k that offers free NASCAR tickets. Of course, there's fine print but there's free NASCAR tickets so fuck everything else! Also, a major stipulation is that you must have a mullet in order to redeem this. As we age, sometimes nature takes over our scalp - ravages up our remaining hair. For those who are fortunate enough to salvage a few locks, sometimes they decide to mullet it out. Despite hair loss on top, the back still has a party going on.

I then remembered that my uncle has a comb-over mullet. Every Christmas, he'd give us chocolate instead of an actual gift. I was disappointed at the time because Barbies at the time were so much better. Anyway, he's had a combover mullet as long as I can remember. So when trying to explain the comb-over mullet, I was asked to draw it. Above is my rendition next to a photo of a guy who looks sort of like my uncle but this guy is way more into NASCAR than my uncle will ever be.

Oh man, I forgot how hard it is to keep a steady hand in MS Paint.

The Hair Plugs Edition

2008-07-23T20:40:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching 1408 with John Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson. In other words, I wasted 100-something minutes on a Stephen King story-cum-movie surprisingly incorporating King's well-known alcohol problem. This movie didn't make me think deep thoughts, no, but in fact it got me to thinking about hair. You see, Cusack's hair in this movie is incredibly distracting. He dyed it some diarrhea-like color and had way too much mousse. It's just a recent thing where an actors' hair can either make or break the movie for me. Well, not necessarily the case with all but definitely with Baby Mama and Made of Honor. The best part of Baby Mama? Greg Kinnear's hair. Made of Honor? Patrick Dempsey's hair. A few weeks later, I begrudgingly sat through Next, starring Nicolas Cage and his hair plugs. The non-sensical plot didn't bother me as much as his hair.

In honor of hair, actually more in celebration of bad hair, here are some major hair changes that may have flown under the radar:

To our left is Cusack in 1408 - kinda bloated and bad hair. To our right is Cusack in High Fidelity - way hotter, less mousse-y and just so much cooler. The secret of "cool" must lie in the lack of mousse and a bad dye job.

Look, it's Cusack's former bff4eae, Jeremy Piven! Piven's transformation was more than obvious for those who knew him before Entourage (on the left). While on Ellen (to the right), he was almost as bald as the "bald asshole" Larry David. Now, Piven is just a hair-plugged asshole.

To to the left is the time traveling Nicolas Cage from Next. Unfortunately, he couldn't travel back in time to get the same head of hair he had in Valley Girl (to the right) nor could he add an "h" to Nicolas thus become less douche-y.

John Travolta was a dinosaur circa 1998, when Civil Action came out. He decided to go for the most drastic hair makeover of the group. Yes, he now has more hair than all of these guys combined, but he also uses a lot more hairspray. Along with Bon Jovi pre-1995, he's now the current cause of ozone depletion.

The Mummy scared must have his hair back to his head. It's from The Huffington Post, but what a great "Before" shot.

Boys, let's learn to say no to hair plugs and yes to baldness?

Spell Check Screwing Over Models One Comp Card at a Time

2008-07-22T19:30:00.000-07:00

I work at a magazine targeted towards women over 40. We often don't get models requesting to be the cover or in the magazine, but today we received a letter from Allison. Allison is 20 - clearly not the magazine's demographic. She did include a lovely note along with her postcard citing her measurements. Some of these measurements sound a little suspect like a 32C bust. Surgically enhanced perhaps or just naturally that small/big? My boss even doubts some of these measurements.

Needless to say, our magazine won't be using her. But if you do run a catalog, and your in need of models, you can always contact Allison.

Oh, the wonders of spell check!

"We have all had teachers that couldn't inspire a bowel movement."

2008-07-21T19:28:00.000-07:00

The Internets was alive with newz today!

First the AV Club interview with Tracy Morgan. I spent most of today trying to figure out whether Tracy Morgan is actually an idiot or idiot savant. Nathan Rabin tries to interview Tracy Morgan, but he legitimately only gets useless fodder from him. Reread the interview, though. You'll discover there's actually gold in some of his answers.

For example:

AVC: Did you do a lot of research into anal prolapses for the role? (FYI anal prolapses occur when your poop hole falls out)

TM: No, dude! No, my asshole's never really popped out. [Laughs.] It's a character, dude.

Where do you go after that question as an interviewer? AV Club decides to ask him about the director. Unfortunately, I don't know if the interview was cut or that was legitimately his follow-up question. Maybe this was just followed with silence or laughter.

Tracy Morgan also loves repeating himself. Maybe it's the lack of knowing what to say or him pondering his next genius move.

AVC: What was Tina Fey's response?
TM: She loved it. Tina Fey's my sister. She loved it. She thought it was brilliant.
AVC: One of the running jokes on 30 Rock is Tracy Jordan's films. If you could star in any of Tracy Jordan's films, which would it be?
TM: Who Dat Ninja. 'Cause he's an action figure. He's action!

See! He repeats himself over his love of Tina Fey then bam! Genius answer to the next question. You see, it's not enough to be an action figure, when you can be ACTION, how can you say no!

Tracy has great lines in 30 Rock. In fact, it's hard to tell when he's Tracy Jordan (his character) or Tracy Morgan. I'm pretty sure he's not acting. Here's proof:

AVC: Tracy Jordan has some of the most quotable dialogue in television history. Is there a specific Tracy Jordan line you're particularly fond of?
TM: Yes. "I wanna take it out behind that middle school and get it pregnant."
AVC: Why do you think that line has taken off the way it has?
TM: Because I love the word "pregnant." The word "pregnant" is funny.

Rest my case. Tracy Morgan is so good at comedy that he's fooling us with this interview into thinking he actually has nothing great to say when in fact he is full of comic gold.

I also want to talk about Dark Knight but some of us haven't seen it. So I'm just going to direct you to this review on Radar by Choire, a former Gawker editor. It explains everything I felt and wanted to say. Thanks.

Finally, I present you Ideas By Chuck. This is the greatest idea for a site and I'm kind of upset that I didn't think of it earlier. Chuck has these ideas, puts them down then asks if anyone uses them, to grant him royalties. Check out his magical binder, drink or cane (which we actually need to really do) and school solution. Chuck actually sounds like someone we'd be friends with - maybe we already are?

I see your Busey, and I raise you a Gary

2008-07-17T20:15:00.000-07:00

I want to buy whatever he is selling. Between these clips of his entrepreneurial truth-dom, and his ever-vigilant quest to get us on the ocean of life with our souls as the sail of the invisibly-anchored honesty that we float upon the ocean of kindness, I can't stop laughing. He is way more inspiring than that Patton Oswalt graduation speech.

OMGGGG OMGGGGG DARK KNIGHT LOLZ!

2008-07-17T17:54:00.000-07:00

Today I am frightened of Gary Busey ripping my endocrine system out of my body.

But more exciting things lie ahead. A midnight showing of Dark Knight to be more precise. It's horrible that people are saying high Dark Knight sales are due to Heath Ledger's death. I can't speak for the general, normie public - after all my sister did call me "weird" - but I'm seeing it just because it is The Dark Knight. Because I love Batman. Because I have a huge crush on Aaron Eckhart.

Slashfilm says this movie has the third highest advanced ticket sales - behind Episode III and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. In NYC, people are selling IMAX tickets for $89. No IMAX for me but I should get the coffee ready for this 2+ hour movie.

The Antediluvean World

2008-07-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

So I get a lot of flack for believing in a lot of different things. Crazy things, silly things. Things no scientist would admit to believing. Maybe they aren't all beliefs, but moreso interests. Interests that guide my imagination and hope for life. I could never detail every single one of these in a single post, but let me discuss one that has been on my mind a lot lately.

I begin with my belief (interest) in Atlantis, or maybe it's more the belief in lost pre-historic knowledge than it is lost pre-historic land. I believe that maybe there were inhabitants of this earth that were far superior to the common image of cavemen, fur underoos, and Ringo Starr that most people conjure up when reviewing the past. I think that maybe these inhabitants maintained and possessed untold knowledge. Perhaps so much of the (Classical, Egyptian, Mayan, etc.) knowledge that has been irrefutably lost and regained throughout our thousands of years of existence still fails to compare to the cumulated knowledge of our pre-historic ancestors. I believe, and have believed for some time, that the stories and myths describing the gifts man-kind has received from our lordly masters are more than just allegory describing the dangers of unabashed power unbridled. Why do so many cultures tell of the gift of fire or the gift of knowledge? Are these stories just muddled versions of pre-historic truths? Or are they extreme versions of the exaggerated stories our forebears tell us? I hope to study more about the origin of man this summer, in a partly fictional way, but with some possible hints of truth.

Atlantis, Mu, Lumeria. These are all mythical places that represent lost civilizations, and the lost wisdom from these civilizations is part of what makes me strive for better in my everyday life.

Big Gai Al!

2008-07-16T20:40:00.000-07:00

It must feel weird being known as Star Jones's ex-husband. Obviously, this guy has done or will do nothing more significant than marrying my favorite lawyer-cum-gag-reflex-inducing-talk-show-host. Little known fact: I applied to be Star Jones's personal assistant.

The Reynolds-Jones union was doomed from the start because as we all know, Al is gay. Big Gay Al, very clever, married Star for her money and dashed right after she lost two shows and became a general nuisance. Al was then seen around gay watering holes and other events, according to "unnamed" and obviously legit sources.

I forgot why they divorced. It doesn't matter. It's over something stupid like them growing apart. Or it could be the fact that Al's gay, but I doubt that. This video actually disproves his homosexuality. I'm so glad he set up his own YouTube channel yesterday to dispel those raging gay rumors. Attention Us Weekly, National Enquirer and Star! You've been wrong all along - Al's not gay!

Al also didn't know that Star whored out their wedding by asking corporations to sponsor her wedding. If he had known, he would've never gone through with it! That would've been a great excuse to call it off instead of actually coming out of the closet.

Many also wonder why Al fell in love with the Payless Shoe spokesperson. The answer is easy, he fell in love with her mind. Gay guys love women's minds, especially on shopping trips when they need an outfit for that night.

[Youtube]

More on the Goot

2008-07-16T20:08:00.000-07:00

I reread the Observer interview below. Guttenberg's gotta be on something. He's either so into himself that he's living oblivion or he's on Joose. I'm conflicted. Goot's obviously a d-bag, with his "textbook-casual Hollywood look." Tight white v-neck tee, pre-torn jeans and Aviators = total bro. Another part of me feels incredibly sad for him. He's writing a movie about his first ten years in Hollywood called "Diary of a Seducer." He has dated over 600 women - a clearly inflated number- and no "Mrs. Right." He picked up a blonde Cornell grad while jogging in the park. That description alone makes me gag. He refers to his body as a violin. It's too much. My remorse is quickly diminishing the more I write about him.

I love the writer's snark, but it's way too easy to hate on the Goot after reading this. It's almost as if he went checked his iPhone after the interview, hoping to hear that he was cast in Zeus and Roxanne 2 or that they want him to play Jessica Simpson's dad in another movie. On that Jessica Simpson note, the way Goot carries himself and looks - bronzed and Botoxed like George Hamilton - is he even a good casting choice as a dad?

Secretly, if Steve Guttenberg hit on me, I'd probably allow it and I may give him my "digits" so that I can invite him to Joose in N.B.

The Goot Needs Some Joose!

2008-07-16T12:48:00.000-07:00

http://www.observer.com/2008/arts-culture/look-out-new-york-ladies-goot-loose?page=0%2C0&ZZRDB162%2C4254%2C21=1

I'll touch base upon this article later. All you need to know is that the Goot is on the Loose. We need to buy him some Joose then maybe he can be on the loose in N.B. Oh, and I'm pretty sure he can have any woman he wants there because he was, after all, in such greats like Police Academy 1, Police Academy 2 and the Police Academy goes to Moscow.

Some choice quotes:

“I indulge in wine, and I love vodka, I do,” he said. “And I love scotch, you know. And I love weed. And I love women. And I do have, you know, those … Addiction is such an overused word. Addiction is just someone famous walking around the street. "

He estimated that he’s dated some 600 women, but still hasn’t found Mrs. Right.

“It’s not a gay festival,” he said. “I guess you know Fire Island’s pretty gay. Hey! I gotta tell you something—a good gay rumor about me might not be a bad thing to start. You know, a lot of heavyweight actors are gay. And they do very well.”

2008-07-15T17:43:00.000-07:00

People on Craigslist need to become better spellers and improve their grammar.

Here's an example of a guy from the Rockaway Mall:

saw you in the corner store working - m4w - 35 (rockaway mall)

Reply to: pers-753099507@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-13, 9:58AM EDT

I SAW YU IN THE STORE BYE MCDONALDS BLACK HAIR BLACK DRESS YOU ARE BEUTIFUL WOULD LOVE TO MEET YOU

I'm still trying to figure out what's more shocking with this missed connection: the use of "bye" or not going through with adding the "o" to "you." He could've done himself a favor and gone with the "u." He would've received credit there.

He's in immediate need of attending a grammar rodeo. In fact, I have a hat for him to wear to the grammar rodeo.

2008-07-15T11:50:00.002-07:00

Ben Stein talks about the economics of love:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/13/business/13every.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

I don't know how to feel about this. More cheesy or more clever? Or both?

Update: Cheese. It's cheese.

Landlords, Landladies, & the Freaks of America

2008-07-11T09:28:00.000-07:00

So this morning I drove about 45 minutes to look at an apartment and when I arrived, the landlady informed me that the apartment had been taken. I guess she forgot that telephones exist? But no worries, because she has another two-bedroom available. Of course it is a shared space and the original tenant has no plans of sharing the kitchen, but I and my future roommate look like fellas who don't enjoy the culinary arts. She literally asked us, "Do you like to cook?" Regardless of my feelings about cooking, I have to do it to survive. Maybe I can just learn witchcraft, but there was also a no-cauldron clause in the rental agreement. No thanks, (land)lady! Maybe I've been spoiled by the privileges of being able to use a sink and a refrigerator, but I'm not about to start living an ascetic lifestyle just yet, unless copious amounts of women or spiritual enlightenment are available at the end of such a journey.

I have found so far in my life that most landlords are insane, or just stupid, but I started rethinking that this morning. I think that maybe the stressful situation of being a landlord exacerbates one's insanity. When I first moved to Maryland I was renting a room in a small house, with a guy who was extremely strange (but let me use his kitchen, at least). He was a day-trader, and a successful one at that, what with living in a house his parents had paid off almost thirty years ago, and renting two rooms to ne'er-do-wells and retired navy men. He was very religious, really into exercise, but also drank like a fish. I was only there for about three months, but the other bedroom was occupied by as many tenants. I'm sure the stress of his hectic renting situation influenced his hectic life, moreso than any mental instability may have. I think, if nothing else, I will try to give these land-owners the benefit of the doubt. I mean, it's not like the Magna Carta is making it any easier for them.

Hilary Swank is totes having a devil baby

2008-07-10T19:51:00.000-07:00

Due to the fact that I didn't want to climb a few stairs to take a nap in my room, I watched t.v. with my parents. Not only did I watch "Greatest American Dog," but I also watched this incredibly amateurish horror film starring Hilary Swank as a miracle disproving professor. The Reaping centers around a town, "cleverly" named "Haven," that starts experiencing the biblical plague. Like all "horror" movies before this, a little girl is the center of this "evil." I'm boring myself just typing this. All you need to know if you do decide to watch this movie is that the director has no concept of sound. It's impossible to hear the dialogue without blasting your eardrums thanks to the spooky and ominous music. No way, I would've never guessed a frog was about to jump on Hilary Swank! Thanks creepy, ominous music! I'm almost thankful that the background music masks the dialogue. I only wish that George Michael would've provided the soundtrack. I needed something to wake me up so I could go, go up to my room.

While we were watching this cinema verite, my mom said she was confused as to what was happening. Honestly, I was, too. I don't remember many things my mom has said over the years - I tend to block them out. But in 1996, my parents rented "Mission Impossible." I was fortunate enough, not 13 yet, to watch the movie with them. Tom Cruise's spy ways left me a little confused, and when I asked my mom what was going on in the movie, she said, "You're not old enough to understand. That's why you're confused." I haven't seen the movie since then, so I'm not sure whether I'd be confused. So when my mom said "The Reaping" was confusing, I told her the "Mission Impossible" story. My mom's response: "Of all the things you remember, you remember this." I forget a lot of things, especially recently, but for some reason, be it Tom Cruise or Ving Rhames, I will never forget that line.

I should make my mom watch some David Lynch films, then when she says she's confused, I should tell her that she's not old enough to understand. Gotta be 60+ to understand Lynch, duh.

Kevin Costner is Under Pressure

2008-07-07T18:46:00.000-07:00

Swing Vote? Really?

So Kevin Costner holds the singular swing vote for the future president of the United States. I couldn't think of a better casting choice to represent the absolute average of Americana. Maybe if we were living on pontoons in the ocean I would allow him to be the decider of this high office, but he'd be so smarmy with all the I-told-you-so's while sitting in his ivory innertube. Do these so-called politically-minded actors really think their movies are helping people? "Oh, I watched The Post Man last week, so now I know in the future I won't be a dick." Thanks Kevin Costner.

Things that are overrated - Go!

2008-07-07T18:10:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I've been thinking a lot about overrated things this week. Right now, this is a starting list. Only more items will be added.

1. Angelina Jolie

2. Flight of the Conchords

3. Rush Limbaugh (who just signed a $400 million!?!? contract to be a douche)

4. Nicolas Cage (He refuses to put an "h" in his name and his the plugs/wig/dog on his head is way too distracting in "Next")

He's Not As Good As George Lopez

2008-07-04T19:45:00.000-07:00

I watched about ten minutes of The George Lopez Show tonight. I really can't wait until I reach the age where I can watch a show like that without irony. But, really, there were some jokes that got me! There was a plantains/dick joke. There were multiple sex jokes. There was a scene with George Lopez laying on the couch resting potato chips on his shirt! These are the kinds of high-consciousness jokes that go on in that show. It's basically the Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead of the sitcom. However, I have discovered that I am not old enough yet to deny that this last statement is full of hyperbole.

Drank Ain't No Thang

2008-07-01T10:49:00.001-07:00

I'm wearing suspenders today and this picture encapsulates how I feel about them. I reckon I need some watermelon to shoot some seeds. Some bubbles, too.

Currently waiting for work, but here's a David Berman interview and a review on Drank - Joose's competition. Let's not kid ourselves, though. Nothing beats Joose. For $2, you're set for an hour, at least. With Drank, $16 will get you to Napville. Kanye needs to write a song about Joose or maybe A Tribe Called Quest can reunite for this song.

Or maybe the Unsolved Mysteries trio?

Hand o' cock?

2008-07-01T08:47:00.001-07:00

I just ate grapes. They were great. Fresh fruit is great.

I can't wait for Dollywood. Why can't it be August 22nd already?

Oh, and Hancock comes out tomorrow. I don't care about the movie (with the exception of Jason Bateman), but someone decided to write "Handcock" on our theater marquee. I will try to get a cell phone snapshot later. I'm guessing a disgruntled (probably teenage) theater employee wrote it. No angry parents better complain about the typo before I take a picture. Then again, I forget that people are bad with spelling and grammar. So maybe they'll think that Will Smith is the Hand of Cock?